Sitting at home with myself, part 2

[Navyguy]

Things have been going fairly good for me lately, but last night was a rough one. I feel like it was a big step backward and that I @#$%'d up pretty bad. I didn’t start the R talk, but I didn’t cut it off either.

Yesterday I took the day off from work to play in a golf tournament. The previous night W and I had been talking a bit about her wanting a new car, somewhat jokingly, but she kept saying how much she missed having her own little car. I finished golfing in the early afternoon, so on the way home I stopped off at a car dealer, and test drove the car we were talking about. I took it by our house so she could drive it too. She really liked it, but then said that she doesn’t think that we can afford a new car right now. I said ok and pretty much left it at that.

Yesterday was also D5’s half-birthday, so I got her a little cake and we had a small celebration for her after the kids had dinner. It was really fun. After that we put them to bed and went into what has become our “normal” Tuesday night routine of getting take-out and watching Biggest Loser together. Toward the end of the show the car came up again and led us into a 2-hour talk. I don’t have 2step’s story telling skills, but I’ll do my best:

We started with the car but then the topic quickly shifted to how W has had to compromise over the years and that I never did. I explained to her that I realize now that on things we disagreed on, my position would be way out on one side, and hers would be on the other, but probably closer to the middle. And instead of me compromising and meeting her somewhere in the middle, she would always come over to my side, which was really pushing her away. She agreed with this, and added that she didn’t realize it was pushing her away from me until she was “done”. I said that I didn’t realize that either.
She then brought up how she got to the point where she just didn’t bring stuff up anymore because it would just make her more upset every time we went through the above cycle. I told her that I now know that I was not truly listening to her, and that I discounted/ignored her feelings because I always thought every decision should be based on just the facts and black/white. Up until this point the talk was going very well. She was smiling and making jokes and I really felt like we were making great progress. She was opening up to me and telling me some of the issues that she has been keeping suppressed over the years. I really listened to her and it felt good. I told her that her feelings are more important than any facts.I was even very close to bringing up doing something on our anniversary. I really wish I had and ended it there.

I’m not sure exactly why things turned, but it felt like a switch flipped inside her. I think the negative feelings she is trying to deal with all came up to the surface. She started getting very upset and telling me that she knows now that she deserved better over the years. She then said she has no idea why she continues to be with someone that has hurt her in the ways I have. I should have been the person she could trust the most, and she felt like she couldn’t talk to me about things. She said that she’s not worried that my changes will not stick, and she truly believes that I will continue to better myself, but she still can’t get over the past and doesn’t know why she came back.

Then she went on to tell me that I never fight fair and that she was really mad that I talked to her brother about our sitch during the separation. It turns out that after I talked to him, he called her just to “see what was up” and didn’t tell her that he had talked to me (here comes that boomerang). W only found out he had talked to me when she was talking to her SIL who told her I talked to him, assuming that W’s brother had already told her. Basically W said she feels like I was trying to get her brother to take my side and that through the whole separation she never told anyone about the reasons she had left me because she didn’t want my family and friends to think less of me. I then told her that I talked to him because she had told me she wanted space and I felt like I couldn’t talk to her. I felt like I needed to be heard by someone that she trusts. I had no intent or expectation that he would take my side, and knew I was taking a big risk in that I could just be creating another person that knows what a jerk I’ve been. I then summarized exactly what I told her brother… “I have been a crappy husband; I didn’t listen to her; I hate myself for how it has taken this for me to finally see the damage I have done; I understand why she is so upset with me; and I hope that someday she’s willing to give me another chance. I didn’t ask him to call you or talk to you, he volunteered it, and I didn’t know that he was keeping that he had talked to me from you”.

At that point I really had to go to the bathroom so I went and when I came back she had gone outside for a smoke. When I went out there it was well past midnight and W told me “you don’t need to come out here for this, it’s just me unloading on you”. I told her I understand why she’s doing it and sat back down. She then went back onto the topic of her deserving better and how she doesn’t think she can get over the past. I continued listening and validating. By this time it was well past 1 AM and she had stopped talking so I was pretty sure she had said all she wanted to say. So I ended it with this:
“W, You always did deserve better. You are such a great person and deserve unconditional love. You gave and compromised far longer than most people would have, and that is a testament to your strength. I understand and respect how you feel right now, and I know that I have no control over how you feel, nor will I try to control that. No matter what happens with us, it will be on your terms and your timeline. I know that all I can do right now is be the best husband and friend that I can possibly be, and I am going to continue doing that.

I left it at that. I really hope this didn't push things back to square one.