Rollercoaster of love

[LearningPatience]

I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted. A lot has happened since then. Background story all above...

Two main reasons I haven't posted was the traveling I've done, first to visit mom (4 hrs away) and trip to Asia (17 days). While I was in Hong Kong my mom died. I wasn't expecting to grieve as I felt nothing when my dad died. Guess I was wrong...

Also, while on trip with W, OM and friends, we were out late the first night (like 6am) acclimating to the time change and partying. I had a breakdown and called W a bunch of nasty things and got into fight with OM. Yeah, it was a classy act on my part. W and I spent the rest of the trip on a roller coaster. Some days we would snuggle together and other days would barely talk. The other two guys in our group told me multiple times to dump W. By the time we hit Kyoto I had decided I needed to go as dark as I could with her. Gave her the speech below (thanks to the DBer who originally wrote this):

"I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be."

We held each other tightly, cried, and the rest of the trip (last few days) went ok. She tried to get snippy with me a couple of times but I stood my ground with her and she seemed to respect that.

Since coming back we've been very dim. She had a bad night sleep last Friday and sent a bunch of questions, some serious, some not (do you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain?) I agreed to do some things for the house. Many might question that, but one of her LL is acts of service and I don't want to shut the door on that. Plus, she's had thoughts of selling the house, so the work I do will help bring up the value.

While everything else is going on, my S14 has been having problems in school, culminated by him telling another student to F off and getting suspended.

I've already shot past my target weight of 145 (I was 165 or so last year) and weighed about 138 when I got back from Japan. I've got people coming up to me telling me I need to eat!

By this weekend I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. Loss of my mom, of my W, of my friends and of my home. I feel like I'm losing my friends because there are a lot of group activities scheduled for this summer (trips, concerts, camping, etc.) between W, friends and OM and I haven't been invited to them. Like I said, a complete sense of loss...

I like to end my posts on a good note, so I should mention how I snapped out of my funk Sunday. Ran my first 5K. I would have been happy just to get under 30 minutes, but my final time ended up being 25:59! I was shocked to say the least! Already looking for my next race and am starting training for a half-marathon.

It felt good to get this out. Encouragement anyone...?