MLC for dummies - for the newbies in MLCland

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Angel.

Somedays I believe there is hope and somedays I don't. I'm hanging on though. I'm trying to be positive and show compassion. I just really have a hard time believing that she is miserable. After all, she got what she wanted.

I am not giving up yet. Like you said, it is still early in my sitch, but I do wonder how long I can stand....

Tad

[AJM]

Tad, you can stand as long as you are willing to regardless of what you see, hear, and or feel. You can because that is who you are.

Mach and Angel, thank you SO much for that. Mach, I read that and I totally get what you are saying. I won't lie. I had a good marriage for a lot of years. I didn't see this coming. But even this morning I was berating myself for not letting go. For not giving her back to God AND leaving her there. I keep going back and picking the issues back up. Everytime I feel myself doing that I have to consciously remember to put them back. And to forgive the selfishness and lies and hurts and so on. Perspective helps.
One thing that was very difficult for me for a long time was to allow myself to be happy. Seems silly to many, but you guys would understand. I wasn't willing to give myself permission to be happy in this situation. I am now. It took time. Lots of time. It also took a lot of time to realize that my actions are the only thing I control. I knew it academically, but I know it now. Deep down. I have grown and have much more growth ahead.

The wrestling feels like some of the last gasps. Do I know we're done? Yes. Why? Because I choose to be done. I choose to no longer be treated the way she treats me. I choose to not be the brunt of whatever her issues are. I choose to give her back to God. The same God we promised we would stay married for the rest of our lives or die trying. The same God we promised we would take care of our kids and lead them. But there are some things I do not accept from her. There was no relationship left between us. Only memories. She made sure of that and I was frustrated that I could not stop her. I too had to watch while she re-remembered and disrembered shared memories. While she blamed me for everything she could possibly think of (except global warming. I don't recall being blamed for that one ). It was painful. It is in the past now.
Is it MLC for her? I can't tell. I'm not qualified to answer that question. Is it something else? Again, I am not qualified to answer that. She made sure to let me know I do not know her. Changed to her formal name in conversations and yet does the weirdest things all the while accusing me of being "unstable". I choose to not be treated that way any longer. We no longer have a healthy relationship of any kind. Nor will that likely be possible for many years if ever.

My bigger concern is the next step. I expect I will be saddened. I expect that it will have an impact. That's ok. I would be very disappointed to have spent that much time and loving effort if I didn't feel some sadness at what I have lost - my hopes and dreams and a shared life I expected. The betrayals, and the rest. In the end, I walk away a better person than when I started and I am forever (secretly) grateful for that.
I am peace with the decision to end the relationship and very much ready for whatever is next in my life. I was not as much at peace about who was going to end it; but I think after reading what you wrote Mach, I really am. Not sure what made me doubt it...

I appreciate your postings. All of you. The thought provoking posts are very helpful.

Tad - you have a long way to go to even see if there is anything left. I hope it works out differently for you than it did for me, but either way - get your money's worth on this ride.

Mach, my current posts are in the surviving the big d forum. "The year of not my problem". I don't recall where my originals are but they should be in the archives. If you are really interested, let me know and I'll dig them up.

Peace,

AJ

[ninelives]

Thanks Angel for such an insightful post. Fits to the letter for my sitch. Wish I could have my W read it during one of her sane periods, should say times cause apparently she told me her PMS is worse than its ever been.

OMG, I dont miss that. That something the OM can gladly deal with.

9

[angel61]

Another quote I found in my journal:

"Pain forces us to grow as human beings. Pain is our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow stronger. God knows what he is doing. He is the potter and we are his clay. It is through our pain that he will mold us, so that eventually we can become a flawless piece of work. "

[Lorie1964]

Love that Angel!!! You are so insightful!

[JustStunned]

Thanks Angel, reminds me of the sign over the door of 2nd Tank’s gas chamber.

I'm plagiarizing it for my FB page.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Victimhood is glorified .... and our MLC'ers are victims!

VERY easy for the LBS to fall into that trap too, be careful not to step in it.

Big difference between:

Woe is me.

and

Whoa! Is me!

[InAPickle]

Angel:".....so that eventually we can become a flawless piece of work."

I'm a piece of work all right!

[angel61]

Its too early to tell, Pickle! The great Potter still has work to do!

Anyways, just for laughs: I found a book on the internet that titled "Affairs for Dummies"

"Product Description

People who preach monogamy are always saying that affairs ruin marriages.

I'm here to tell you they don't, not by themselves anyway.

Depending on the reason for the affair, stepping outside the house can actually hold a marriage together. Both people are happy; who cares where the happiness is coming from? However, poorly managed affairs can indeed ruin a marriage. So, here is my manual to having your cake and eating it too, affectionately called "Affairs for Dummies." NOTE: These rules are not arranged in any particular order; just written down as I come up with them. "

This would be a nice gift to send to the OW/OM's! Or even to the WAW/WAH's!

[Grace_O]

Angel,

This reminds me of a book written back in the early 70's (?) titled "Open Marriage".

Interstingly, one of the writters went on to later write a book on commitment.

How are you doing today?