Telemark Welcome to the place we hate to love being a part of. Sounds like you have taken a lot of the advice and applied it properly. It is great to have the type of emotional breakthrough you had with your W. Just keep this in mind, she may have snapped out of WAW but relapse can and does happen. Keep DBing don't slip and if and when she relapses remember to not let it hurt you. It can be extra painful to think that all your hard work was for nothing during a relapse. It's not true and depending on the circumstances most relapses come and go.
That was great! Boy, I wish my husband had done that once when we were at each other's throats! If she is willing to go with you to a Retrouvaille weekend, they could really help you continue to have the kind of marriage you want. Look at the website, www.helpourmarriage.org. They explain the 4 stages of marriage, and how the misery stage is normal. But you can get beyond it if you learn the skills that they teach you. A good marriage is not just luck, it is the result of effort! My husband and I did our Retro weekend 3 years ago, and it was the best thing we ever did for ourselves and our family!
Just caught up on your sitch ... sorry that another person needs this resource, but thank goodness it's here.
You are still in the early days, and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better, depending on the R with OM. It sounds like she is unable to take up with a real R with him, but not willing to leave you for financial reasons, and probably because you are so much help with her autistic son.
Is the house yours completely? Or half hers in a D, if it comes to that. There are three ways you can go, as I sees it ... 1. kick her out and let her see what life is about without you, or 2. she stays but you do nothing for her, go dark, but wih her in the house, or 3. continue what you're doing but DB ... I think you're doing this already in a small way. Just don't bring up R talk, don't say you love her, continue being kind, but distant. Protect your finances though. MLCers love to spend. And GAL ... be a busy DBer. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best, was my motto.
Hope it works out for you. My H also did the EA with high school flame. I dont know how far it got, since she lived quite far from him at that time. Seven years down the line, and in retrospect, I wish I had divorced him then because he has not changed, or tried to find what went wrong for him. No introspection, while I have busted my butt trying to find what I did wrong, how I could've done things better, etc.
Anyway, that's a long story.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Glad you found this resource, TM. Do you have the DB and DR books, as well? Do the work in the books, it will help.
Commenting on your last post, great job! Now wait... wait... wait.............
It sounds much like my sitch early on, before I got here. The emotional outbursts from W to me of "go ahead and file then" to the apologizing and trying to normalize. But the EA just kept going... and going... and then included others... and not just male friends, but female friends, as well.
Your W's sister is as much an emotional outlet whom she is sharing her most intimate feelings as well as her day to day. Things she likely used to share with you and now will not. No, she is not having the same "twinges" that one might have with an EA of the opposite sex, but the rest of her life belongs to her sister in the same way as an EA. That is very unfair to the M, to you, and if she's going to "work on it", then she needs to return to YOU as the EA. Start sharing everything with you.
So as Petty says... "the waiting, is the hardest part". But that is all you can do. As mentioned earlier, (you know) you cannot control her. Any pressure is likely to put her in "run" mode, unless she completely opened up to the consequences. You need to see if she will now run to you, or runs from you.
If she runs to you: WORK IT, WORK IT, WORK IT!
If she runs from you: welcome to the roller coaster. You need to choose when you step off...
Was she referring to her words & behavior from fighting with you? Did she actually come clean about the A and tell you she was willing to commit to working on the M? I didn't see that. I saw her emotional and giving you a hug, but trust me when I tell you that is a very long way from cooperating with how you feel in working on the M.
Let's say that she did come clean about everything. Let's say that she told you she wanted to start over with a new MR. Here's the thing, I think she will discover that it is much harder to end that EA than she thought. Since you've researched the subject, you probably already know that she is addicted. That addiction will be what tempts her to contact OM.
I hope you did not tell her that you had watched the messages go back & forth with OM. This will be your greatest means of knowing for sure if the A has ended. However, if she thinks you are monitoring her....she'll go deeper undercover.
Having a closed door while on her computer is usually a dead give-away. Has she "always" kept a closed door? Do you have to knock before entering?
I think your part of the conversation was really good. I do suggest, however, that you don't remind her that you are fighting for the M, nor continue to tell her how much you love her. Not until you know she's ended it with OM.
Remember, don't tell her anything in anger and then not do what you told her.
You know what you will not tolerate and you know what is the most important thing for you in a MR.
A WAW in an A has a unique talent of making the LBH feel that he has to win her trust. Remember that she is the one who has strayed and she is the one who needs to prove she can be trusted. Don't depend upon just her words. Yes, there is a point that you will trust again, but for a while, her actions will tell the truth a lot more than her words.
BTW, what are the 180's you're doing?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Gotta love Facebook! Giving WAS's an easy out since 2004.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I know she is not ready to look at any type of counseling/marriage weekends, etc. She is still in the A fog, though not nearly as much as 6 weeks ago, from what I can tell. In the first three weeks I snooped and would then confront her with what I found. Not doing that anymore. Like you all say, I can't control her actions. Fortunately the OM is 1500 miles away.
Her closed door Skype sessions are with her sister. I know that because they are two New York Italians (with some Spanish & Cuban mixed in...) and tend to get very loud. I have resigned myself to letting her have her privacy if she wishes, and yes, I knock before entering only as a courtesy. She does not make any attempt to hide what she is doing, which so far is just talking to the sister. Kaffe Diem, you nailed it with your observation about the sister being another emotional outlet. I'm working on letting that situation roll off my back.
About week 3 was when she started looking at houses & apartments, and realized very quickly there was no way she could move out on her own. She has not looked since, and the subject has dropped off the radar. I have no intention of forcing her out; my thinking is that as long as she is here, there is some connection I can work with.
Sandi2, you asked what 180s am I doing? I've stopped sending texts and e-mails throughout the day the way we used to. I am resisting the urge to talk about the M, the OM, the EA, R or anything associated with them. Some days are more successful than others. I make plans with friends and just go without discussing it with W, other than letting her know I am going out. I'm exercising and lifting weights again to get back into shape. Reading a lot more.
And I took a motorcycle safety course, got my license and bought a jet black Yamaha V-Star 650. Never said a word to her, just rode it into the driveway this week. It was a classic jaw-dropping moment for her. I'm really enjoying reinventing myself. And if the worst happens and we divorce, nobody can take away what steps I've taken to improve.
I have looked back at our marriage, and I admit I was a real S.O.B. for a long time. Anger issues, selfishness, resentment toward her kids (which thankfully I worked through and now we get along very well), my high sex drive compared to her not-so-high SD; all of these took their toll, and I understand how she felt she could not trust me with her intimacy. The last few years were much better, I thought, but according to her the damage had been done. All I can do now is ensure that man is buried and build a new man.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
bboom, I am astounded at how many situations are carbon copies of mine...the WAS finding their EA or PA as an old high school friend on Facebook. They should start their own group there.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Don't know where my unposted replies to everyone are, but I assume they will show up sooner or later.
Rough day today...
I've been looking back at my marriage and remembering what a mean SOB I was to my W, and that has brought on a pretty deep feeling of self-loathing. Lots of "If only I had...", "If only I hadn't...","Why didn't I listen and see the signs of trouble...". It puts a meaning to doing 180s, because those behaviors of mine contributed to my W shutting down, and it is those behaviors that need to be extinguished. Her attachment to the OM is still as strong as ever. Knowing she is deeply in love with him and is just as deeply not in love with me is a tough pill to swallow.
I'm sure there will be at least 1 reply to this telling me she made the choice to pursue the EA instead of working on our M, and that I need to remember to focus on me, not her.I know that. But it is damn hard to not think about love lost.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
