Have you considered that your H might be having a MLC? Some of the signs you mention--the overwhelming and continual anger, the interest in new clothes, younger friends and a different lifestyle, the sudden drinking, the feeling that his wife is not enough, the secretiveness and avoidance--can also be signs of a life crisis. My H exhibited all of these for 2 years before he found an EA.
Did something happen within the last 12-18 months that might have precipitated a crisis--a sudden health scare, the death of a parent or a close friend, or????
Cyrena, I absolutley consider a possible MLC. Even some of the things that he has said over the last few months has been carbon copy of something an MLCer would say. Unfortunately doesn't really change my approach. I just found on his FaceBook page that he is interested in.....Women. Wow, doesn't even try to hide it at this point. Will tell me "I don't know" when I ask him if he wants a divorce, a separation, etc but he is actively looking for OW. Such a sense of total loss right now. I don't even think it would do any good to even say anything to him about any of it at this point.I will get accused of spying, and he would just deny it anyway. He just believes that his happiness will come in the absence of me and our marriage, almost to the point where he acts like he can't stand me in spite of how nice I am being and how tolerable of his behavior I am being. Nothing really has happened to "trigger" it except for a possible change in brain chemistry. He has a tumor on his pituitary gland that is quite large and has suffered from headaches for 20 years. He is on medication that has stopped his headaches and changed the hormone levels in his body including increasing his testosterone. Don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. He just says we are not compatible and never have been and he is tired of a mediocre marriage. He has re-written history and blames it all on me. Sound pretty typical??????? I don't think I will ever understand what is happening/has happened. That is the hardest part I think.
Yes, he just turned 37 and has been tanning, working out, got a whole sleeve of tattoos in the last month (never had a tattoo before), interest in head banging music, got a few new clothes but not overboard, going out drinking with "friends" at night and staying out to just right before he has to go to work (third shift).
Lily, this sounds pretty much like what my H did when he turned 50, although thinking back....he did the same thing around 40 and 35.
I've found that the only thing that makes me consistently feel better is to exercise and pursue my own interests. Also, set your mind on higher things. Make the choice to be happy (even if it is about something else going on in your life...your job, your kids, your class, etc...)
Detaching is hard. I've gone back and forth on that one myself. The hard part is that you truly have no control over what your H does and who he is with and what his plans are. The only person you have control over is you and it sounds like you are headed in the right direction by doing 180s (for you) and GAL!
If your H feels guilty about your "niceness"....well darn it he should. Don't change who you are. Continue to be the patient kind person that your H married. You will feel better about YOU in the process.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Lily - what medication is he on? Have you told his doctor about his change in behavior?
While this may be just another textbook midlife crisis - or it's possible that now that he feels better, he has the energy to change his life - but it is also possible that he's having an adverse effect from his treatment. For instance, some drugs used for Parkinson's can cause people to suddenly develop gambling problems.
Now, you probably shouldn't suggest this to your husband - he'll likely just think you are avoiding the divorce issues. But I would definitely mention it to his doctor in private. Especially if these changes are really out of character for him (did he always want to get a tattoo? Or is this a guy who hated tattoos and now suddenly he has a full sleeve?)
Also - if he's on swingers websites, please please please protect yourself from STDs, okay? He's not the man you knew right now, who knows what he's doing.
For instance, Cabergoline (Dostinex) is one drug used for pituitary prolactinomas. Here's a direct quote from the safety information on this drug:
Postmarketing Surveillance Data
The following events have been reported in association with Cabergoline: valvulopathy and fibrosis. Other events have been reported in association with Cabergoline: hypersexuality, increased libido, pathological gambling. In addition, during postmarketing surveillance, cases of alopecia, aggression and psychotic disorder have been reported in patients taking Cabergoline. Some of these reports have been in patients who have had prior adverse reactions to dopamine agonist products.
This is the class of drugs that is usually used to treat pituitary tumors like your husband has.
It's worth noting that dopamine is the brain chemical involved in infatuation - which explains why so many spouses having affairs, in the throes of infatuation, behave in similar irrational ways. But in your husband's case, it could be the dopamine-mimicking drug he's on causing the problem. Please call his doctor and have a chat. (Note: Due to strict confidentiality rules, his doctor may not be willing to tell YOU anything about your husband, but you can still relay the behavior changes you're seeing and your concern that it may be medication-related).
And here's a case report of a patient with a prolactinoma, treated with Cabergoline, who developed pathological gambling that resolved when they went off the drug.
Thank You kml! He is on Dostinex among a few other things. I thought about calling his doctor but then figured he would not see me. I am sure he has is dosage conrolled but he is on a few other things such as Ambien and a small dose of a anti-depressant. I will do some more research ASAP as well as look at the link.
abbey, I am not planning on changing who I am. I am a christian woman who was tought to love those who do not love me. I will continue to love him regardless of how he treats me. I refuse to let this turn ugly. I am pretty sure he is planning something for Friday (i.e. filing for D) as I heard him talking on the phone behind closed doors last night. I think I would feel better if I knew for sure that it was only about our marriage, but he also has unresolved childhood issues big time, depression, and anger issues. All of which he would of course deny. I would hate to throw away 15 years if there are other causes. He is just so stubborn that he refuses help and denies there is anything else other than his unhappiness in our marriage that is causing his decisions.
GAL is definitely counter-intuitive as it feels as if I am giving up trying to fix the situation. I feel that if I stop focusing on it then it will crumble even faster. AAAAGGGHHHH!
Thank You all for your support in these unbelievably trying times!
Print out that research article that said that up to a third of Parkinson's patients on these drugs developed compulsive behaviors. Fax it to his doctor along with a brief note detailing the behavior changes you've seen. Something along these lines:
Dear Dr. X You are currently treating my husband Mr Y for a pituitary growth. Lately he has had numerous behavioral changes including: getting a full sleeve tattoo, change in musical tastes, drinking, interest in swinging, and asking for a divorce.
It has been brought to my attention that dopamine agonist drugs can cause compulsive behavioral changes like pathological gambling and hypersexuality. I am concerned that my husband may be having side effects from his medication.
Please do not tell him that I conveyed this information to you - he will think that I am just trying to avoid a divorce. However I am sincerely concerned for his welfare, and felt you needed to know this information. I can be reached at
Great idea kml, thank you. I will do this asap. Even if his doctor can just call him to make him aware of the side affects maybe it would put some doubt in his thick skull. I couldn't have worded this letter better so thank you.
