There are days where I can't believe I'm here...it's all surreal. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share tmy experience with others who have gone and are going through the same journey.
I appreciate your thoughts/insights.
Background:
My wife and I are both from Southern California. We met on the East Coast, she was finishing up college and I was working. Some acquaintances of hers from the church she grew up with in California introduced us.
When we first met, we had instant chemistry and shared similar experiences/background. We were both Asian American, had conservative families, and focused on careers. To an outsider, things looked fine. We continued on our careers paths, and with my encouragement and support my wife completed an MBA at an Ivy League institution. However throughout this time, we were both struggling with identity and self-worth. Despite the inner turmoil, we moved forward.
As we progressed in our careers and climbed the corporate ladder, we worked 60 hours weeks and our jobs required extensive travel. Though it was not the ideal circumstances for a balanced relationship/life, we soldiered along on the path the outside world (e.g., friends, family) told us we should be on.
Fast forward to 2008. My wife abruptly quit her senior management job. She wasn't happy.
[Quick side bar: we got married the previously year when my father was diagnosed with cancer. Up until that time, we delayed marriage/children since we were waiting for the "perfect" situation (e.g., when we achieve XX career position, earned this much, etc.)].
This added a huge amount of stress to our relationship, as we had just purchased a home a year earlier (her dream home), which I felt was more than we could afford, but she insisted that we could make it work. She found a job six months later, though with a lower title and a fifteen percent decrease in salary. During the time between jobs, she immersed herself in outside activities. For instance, she learned to cook/became a foodie, wrote (short stories, screenplays, novel), and did volunteer/charity work. Unlike before, my wife now works a 40 hour week with minimal stress. Also during this time, my wife began seeing a therapist and has continued until now.
During this period, my job required sixty sometimes eighty hour weeks with loads of stress. On top of it, the company I was working for was struggling to survive. This added on top of our financial stress (wife not working) made me not a "fun" person to be around, as I was constantly worried about work and finances. Even when my wife returned to work, the uncertainty of my job was constant stress.
In the Summer of 2010, the company I worked for for ten years shutdown. I quickly found a new position a month later. A part of me wanted some time to re-charge, but our financial obligations made it difficult. During this time, we had begun trying to have children. We were unsuccessful and in November, 2010 we abruptly stopped trying. We got into a heated argument on why, with my wife not wanting to answer.
Fast forward to the present. She informed about filing for divorce at the end of January, 2011. She cited "I'm the giver in the relationship and I'm tired of giving", "I have no more energy left to put into this marriage", "I don't love you anymore", and "I told lies to myself about our relationship". Any attempts for reconciliation went on deaf ears. Disturbing to me was the steps she had taken in advance to prepare for the divorce (e.g., spreadsheet of action items -- separate bank accounts, finding apartment, legal filings), it was/is all very clinical.
In February, 2011, the company I was working for laid me off due to finances. My wife knows it's a tough time for me, but needs to honor her needs first. In the initial divorce papers, she feels she divided things equitably. When I mentioned to her that she would need to pay spousal support if I asked, she went berserk. "You would ask me for money. What else do you need to take away from me?" As she characterizes it, our relationship is an investment that had a horrible ROI and it's time to move one. "My life is half over, I need to find a better investment."
It appears to me she's had an "Eat, Pray, Love" epiphany. Since moving out, she's traveled to wine country in Nor Cal, explored restaurants, gone sky diving, immersed herself in movies/books ("Under the Tuscan Sun", LeDivorce", "Nine"). I've been focused on my next job and trying to see how we can keep the house from foreclosure. I've been taking time out for me too, but it's quite a up and down process with good and bad days.
Thank you for reading this far...I appreciate again any insights/thoughts.
__________________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
