Can someone tell me the signs that they saw from their spouse that clued them in to a EA or PA? My H has already indicated that he wants a D but has taken no action thus far to pursue one. His behaviors are suspicious though but I have no hard evidence. I was hoping those of you who have actual proof can clue me in to what your spouse was doing/saying that led you to believe that an affair was happening.
There are all kinds of lists on the internet, and rather lengthy ones, but in this day and age of text messaging, I think you can pretty much narrow it down to ONE:
Is he texting like crazy, and keeping his phone locked or hidden?
Although my H's A has not been completely confirmed (no hard evidence...no getting caught in the act or anything), I am quite certain something has been going on for about 2 years.
Signs:
1) He turned 50. 2) He started going to the gym. A lot! Morning & night. 3) Took up new hobbies such as bike riding and motorcycle riding. 4) Bought a classic convertible 5) Bought a motorcycle 6) Less interest in kids day to day activities where previously he was very involved. 7) Gone for periods of time each weekend where no one in the family can reach him by cell (not even kids). Excuses: Bike riding or motorcycle riding, hiking or gym. 8) Cell phone charger in his car that doesn't fit his regular cell phone. 9) Accidentally called me from what I believe to be his secret cell phone and then lied about it. 10) Left a message for OW (I believe) from that same phone that he called me on. 11) Hasn't worn his wedding ring in 2 years...."too tight". Even after working out and losing weight. Hmmmmmm..... 12) Found my H's name on some of OW's new home permits. 13) When confronted twice in the last two years, he denies everything.
Starsky is right about the texting. Before my H got a secret cell phone, he was texting/picture texting with OW who at that time was a married client of ours. At the time I wasn't worried because he had reason to be in communication. Boy was I naive!
So, I would start with the cell phone. But I have to warn you...sometimes I wish I hadn't snooped because whenever I find something it only hurts me.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Look for another cell phone too. A pay-as-you-go phone.
People having A will go to great lengths not to be discovered.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
1. Look for changes/new interests - my H was never interested in taking pictures, sudenly he was taking pics of everywhere we went and sending them to friends (OW included)
2. Sudden interest in music - especially love songs, and again, sendng links to friends, OW included (my H sent links to my D as well)
3. Efforts to look good, younger. My H started using cologne when he never did before. Big red flag for me. Started going to the gym, buying expensive clothes, even started putting anti wrinkle cream on his face!
4. Changing interests - mirroring what OW likes? Younger interests ? My H started getting interested in skiing, which he used to think was so lame! he also lost interest in his old pursuits, hunting and fishing. I guess those things are not too acceptable to OW. But lately, he has gotten tired I guess of trying to do what is not natural to him and has gone back to his hunting : )
5. Initially, I noticed that H had moments where he was cold and distant, alternating with too much solicitousness and concern. I think at that time either he was fighting feelings for OW by trying to revivie feelings for me (My H is actually a nice person, that is why I could not give up!), then later on the guilt made him over compensate and treat me special. That was at a period similar to yours - post-bomb but before he admitted EA.
6. Texting of course, as everybody says here. I think texting is the devils tool!
7. I saw him with an old debit card we never used anymore in his wallet.
8. Unexplained expenses in your joint account - nt all the time though.
9. Sometimes H would criticize OW, the first times I remember I asked him about OW, when I had no idea yet but I suspect he was starting to get atracted to her, it happened so fast (who he hired a couple of months ago) he said, oh, she's not pretty, she's flaky, etc. enough to make me think he was not interested.
10. Suddenly, you have nothing much to talk about - I think they save the more interesting topics of convo for OW.
11. Using laptop with screen facing away from anybody else - my H used to sit on the sofa, now he sits on the corner chair or against a wall.
12. Covering the phone screen whie texting, reading email, putting phone on silent mode
13. suddenly using skype, or free text applications on Iphone
14. unexplained pictures on iphone, from places OW went, not necessarily with OW
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Abbey, I am sorry I am here as well. He has already told me that he doesn't love me so I guess there is not much more he can do to hurt me. I guess, I am just trying to find out so he does not continue to treat me like a fool. Also, so it will be easier to leave as I am having a hard time letting go.
Yes, he just turned 37 and has been tanning, working out, got a whole sleeve of tattoos in the last month (never had a tattoo before), interest in head banging music, got a few new clothes but not overboard, going out drinking with "friends" at night and staying out to just right before he has to go to work (third shift). Wow, when I actually type it out it seems so obvious. My stomach is churning right now.
The only thing that confuses me is that he doesn't seem to be spending that much time away from home, especially on the weekends. I don't know maybe OW works weekends or something. My H took off his wedding ring a couple of months ago, although to his defense he did tell me it was over.
I just found out he has consulted a lawyer and started filling out affidavits. He needs to get information from me in order to complete the forms and he hasn't said anything to me yet. I found the paperwork "accidently". I think he is in the process of saving up for a divorce.
What started it all was a secret cell phone I found in Jan. He told me that it was to call a lawyer. Then, I caught him trying to solicit on a local swingers site. I know there wasn't a OW cause he would't have needed the site if there was. So, I guess that is what is so confusing. If there is a OW, then it has to be in the last 4-6 weeks. I think more than anything if there isn't a OW yet, he is certainly setting himself up to try to attract one.
That is the big question isn't it. I don't know what I want to do. I have been "acting as if" for about 8 weeks now and he seems to be getting angrier and angrier, almost like I make his skin crawl when I am around. I guess it could be that I am standing in the way of his freedom although he has always been free to leave. I am contemplating a 180 and doing a combination of going dark and GAL but I am afraid that will drive us even further apart. I am at least trying to keep some sort of connection with him. At the very least I am buying time I suppose by making him feel a bit guilty by my "niceness". I don't want things based on guilt, but just want to slow down the process a little to make sure he isn't leaping to divorce too quickly.
That is the big question isn't it. I don't know what I want to do. I have been "acting as if" for about 8 weeks now and he seems to be getting angrier and angrier, almost like I make his skin crawl when I am around. I guess it could be that I am standing in the way of his freedom although he has always been free to leave. I am contemplating a 180 and doing a combination of going dark and GAL but I am afraid that will drive us even further apart. I am at least trying to keep some sort of connection with him. At the very least I am buying time I suppose by making him feel a bit guilty by my "niceness". I don't want things based on guilt, but just want to slow down the process a little to make sure he isn't leaping to divorce too quickly.
8 weeks is a good chunk of time. What have you done with this time that you bought?
Have you met with a good family law atty yet, to better understand what your rights and responsibilities are, just as a precaution? What is your financial situation (who pays for what / how vulnerable are you?), etc.?
You don't have to DO anything, but you SHOULD be using this time to PLAN.
As for you "making his skin crawl," try to think of it this way: he's an addicted, there's OW that he's addicted to, and you are standing in between him and his stash.
That's sad, but it's pretty much what the dynamics are. He's also probably not happy with himself, nor his own choices, and you are a mirror to him and he doesn't like himself when he sees his image.
