First time caller...

[Telemark]

Thanks, jbnati. "What a long, strange trip it's been". I found out just how dangerous it is to talk about the M or R this early in the situation. We had another "talk" later last evening where I told her I had researched the divorce process in PA and what recourse I would have if she refused to move out.

Bad, bad move.

She went completely ballistic, called me all kinds of creative names and said "Go ahead and file". I told here I was trying to protect myself if the situation with the OM did not change, and that my first priority was to keep us together. She would hear none of it, and then went into listing everything I had done wrong during our entire marriage, bringing up incidents that occurred years ago. Her memory never fails to amaze me. I started to fire back - a bad trait of mine that certainly helped cripple our marriage - but stopped, remembering instead to let her rant, listen and try to validate her feelings. It ended with me apologizing for causing her such angst.

This morning, she was still angry and started in where she left off last night. After she said what she wanted to say, I calmly said, "(W), neither of us have treated each other with the love, respect and patience that we each deserve. We have looked to our own needs first and neglected each other. We have been quick to anger and have felt the need to protect ourselves from each other. That is no marriage, and I no longer want our marriage back."

She stared at me.

I went on...

"We deserve a new marriage, one based on faith, love, trust, intimacy and passion. I want that new marriage with you. I want to bury the old one and build a new one. I think we can accomplish that, but it will take a superhuman effort from each of us. I'm willing to start right now. I will fight for this. And even though I am certain you do not feel any love or desire for me, I still love you as fiercely as the day we married. That is as unconditional a love as I can give." And I quietly and calmly left the room.

About 20 minutes later I went upstairs to our bedroom to finish getting ready for work. W was sitting on the bed staring at the floor. She apologized for her words and behavior. I apologized for my words and behavior of last night. I sat next to her, took her hand and repeated what I had said about starting over. She burst into tears and gave me a tight hug, the first I had felt in 6 weeks.

Damn, I'm tearing up just writing this...

And then we each went to work. Are we on a path to recovery? I have no idea. I'd like to think that I bridged the gap between "doormat" and "tough love". More to come, I'm sure...