update on my sitch II

[what next?]

that was going to be my next question... should i send her like an open ended message that gets a conversation going or something less demanding like a "hope you're having a nice day"

[MrBond]

You just got D. Let her be for a month. No contact. Erase her phone number from your phone so you're not tempted to hear from her.

She's not going to re-evaluate her choice for leaving if you're still in the picture. Keep focussing on yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. You're still sounding needy.

[2stepboogie]

Bond:

The D has been final for 2 months. Your point is not lost with me but at what point do you go from moving on to still being the better option?

Do you think friendly interactions would hurt?

I keep in mind that not every person reacts the same way. While one person would recognize their lost and make an effort to go back another one might self defeat and tell themselves i screwed it up and now it is too late, not knowing the whole time that Next is wishing she would reach out.

What is Next's wife is that person. The one who would not reach out because she self-defeats?

Then going dark or moving on with his life will do nothing to bring them closer together if she in fact would like to.

[MrBond]

Friendly interactions don't hurt. But when they aren't being reciprocated and initiated by the WAS, then they hurt. There's a reason why DB teaches you to not always being in their face. You have to give them room to breathe.

More often times than not, you'll see that the WAS will start initiating only after the LBS is out of the picture. Not all, but most.

WN had been afraid to contact his W when they were first S. And now that their D he wants to increase contact? It's a little backwards.

Again, there's no problem with friendly contact. But how about working on yourself first so that you don't need the LBS.

[2stepboogie]

Well I agree with that. I agree that most times when the LBS let's go completely is when they see the WAS show some interest. My only point is that some friendly contact does not hurt as long as it is done in moderation.

If you take it as you would a buddy or friend you talk to on occassion.

If you don't, then yes you are setting yourself up for failure.

[Redo]

Not sure where i heard this but "distances always dredges up feelings to bring people closer"

The way i see it: Next's wife wanted the D. Now she has it. She has to understand that D means that all that was is no more. Only then she might miss him and figure out if what was done is right or wrong. Yup, what if she realizes that she screwed up and wants to get back. Then she has to overcome that wall of stubbornness/ego that made her adamant to get the D in the first place.

2Step though i say the above, i am pretty sure i too might be hounding my soon to be X to re-consider, instead of dropping the rope on her for a while

[what next?]

Friendly interactions don't hurt. But when they aren't being reciprocated and initiated by the WAS, then they hurt. There's a reason why DB teaches you to not always being in their face. You have to give them room to breathe.

More often times than not, you'll see that the WAS will start initiating only after the LBS is out of the picture. Not all, but most.

WN had been afraid to contact his W when they were first S. And now that their D he wants to increase contact? It's a little backwards.

Again, there's no problem with friendly contact. But how about working on yourself first so that you don't need the LBS.

i was never afraid to contact her... i was afraid to contact her in person. i wanted to keep communicating with her but i didn't want to come off as sounding weak when i was about to breakdown every time i talked to her. that has not been the case for months now.

the divorce was final at the end of february. i had a decent amount of contact with that was initiated by her (mostly logistical stuff) but she was always friendly and responded to any conversational type stuff that i would talk to her about. after a week or so of that i backed off and went way more dark. we have been communicating about once per week since then and always initiated by her. the last two times that i saw her in person *she* broke down. the first time was when i apologized for something specific that i used to do that i realize now was inconsiderate. i thought that that could have been for a lot of reasons but this time all i did was ask her how she has been. i think that she is feeling really alone and i don't know if it's better to initiate or wait but i think that if i keep it light it might be comforting to her to have me to lean on.

she is alone now and she feels that. i can see it in her eyes... she is in a lot of pain and whether or not her pride will let her come back to me i don't know. but i want her to know that i am still here.

[what next?]

Not sure where i heard this but "distances always dredges up feelings to bring people closer"

The way i see it: Next's wife wanted the D. Now she has it. She has to understand that D means that all that was is no more. Only then she might miss him and figure out if what was done is right or wrong. Yup, what if she realizes that she screwed up and wants to get back. Then she has to overcome that wall of stubbornness/ego that made her adamant to get the D in the first place.

2Step though i say the above, i am pretty sure i too might be hounding my soon to be X to re-consider, instead of dropping the rope on her for a while

i agree with this completely but i feel like i have given her that time to be alone. i don't want to move back home.. i just want to initiate some contact on real light level.

[MrBond]

"i agree with this completely but i feel like i have given her that time to be alone."

This isn't up for you to decide if SHE has had enough time to be alone. That's her decision. You can't go according to your timetable. Just hers.

Is that how you live your life? Through someone else's schedule? You're single. Treat yourself as such for now. Not in terms of going out with other people, but in terms of understanding that she is not yours to control. You control your own life and start living it.

"i just want to initiate some contact on real light level."

You said you already have. You just want more. She's the one who needs to initiate talk that's more than just logistics.

And what makes you think that she doesn't realize that you're still there. She knows. That's good and bad. She knows subconsciously that if things fail for her, you can be the second choice. You need to stop contacting her for that myth to get shaken out of her.

"i was never afraid to contact her... i was afraid to contact her in person."

You were afraid...period.

She called you for strictly logistical stuff before. She only called you when she needed you for something. She hasn't asked how you were doing, etc. You can start the positive interactions when she starts initiating calls to see how you're doing.

[what next?]

"i agree with this completely but i feel like i have given her that time to be alone."

This isn't up for you to decide if SHE has had enough time to be alone. That's her decision. You can't go according to your timetable. Just hers.

Is that how you live your life? Through someone else's schedule? You're single. Treat yourself as such for now. Not in terms of going out with other people, but in terms of understanding that she is not yours to control. You control your own life and start living it.

"i just want to initiate some contact on real light level."

You said you already have. You just want more. She's the one who needs to initiate talk that's more than just logistics.

And what makes you think that she doesn't realize that you're still there. She knows. That's good and bad. She knows subconsciously that if things fail for her, you can be the second choice. You need to stop contacting her for that myth to get shaken out of her.

"i was never afraid to contact her... i was afraid to contact her in person."

You were afraid...period.

She called you for strictly logistical stuff before. She only called you when she needed you for something. She hasn't asked how you were doing, etc. You can start the positive interactions when she starts initiating calls to see how you're doing.

it's really not very helpful for you to take things out of context and twist my words around...

i was never afraid to contact her through text or email. i didn't want to break down and lose the progress i had made through going dark at that time. that is the truth and if you go back and look at my threads you will see that that was my fear. i knew that i needed to look strong and breaking down when talking to her in person meant that no matter what i was saying i wouldn't be able to come across as anything but weak. i wanted to be able to control the tone of my message and felt that doing that through email was way more effective.

i haven't been initiating contact of any kind. there has been light contact but she initiates... the question i am posing is should i start initiating. she always asks me about my family or how i am doing in pretty much that very communication that we have had. the frequency of our conversations went down when i stopped asking questions and just let conversations die.

i'm not saying that it is up to me to decide when she has been alone long enough i'm saying that based on her reaction to me asking how she is doing i believe that she is feeling really alone and now would be a good time to offer her a shoulder to lean on.

i really do appreciate constructive criticism but for you to twist my words is of no help at all.