OK, read "His Needs, Her Needs" last night--seems like good advice if I'd followed it a year ago (curse, swear). And indeed it did two things for me--help resolve (once again) to understand and fulfil her emotional needs, and (and this is important) made me realize how many of my own needs were unmet by our existing relationship.
Of course this just spurs me on. But interactions are still strange--very "friendly" but nothing more (we went walking around a local lake yesterday and then to dinner with an evening of her computing and me gaming in the living room and then a great discussion about heroism and philosophy). But no spark of anything.
One of the things she has said she needs that I'm not presently providing is "emotional connection" (she CAN NOT describe what this means; with our second MC, she kept saying this: "You know, 'emotional connection'. I can't explain it, but... you know, 'emotional connection'!) I think I've gleaned the idea that it's a sense of shared purpose and knowledge, that you know what the other person is feeling, that you share the same goals and want to help the other person be who they can be. Fine! But I find it difficult to work on this and detach at the same time.
Another thing she counts as an "empty need" is "spark"--"you know, that spark that gets you out doing things, that makes you want to go do stuff and be daring." VERY frustrating as I missed the mark on that one by trying to coach, but also seem to miss again when I try to get her to try new things. So she sits at home all day and blames me; very frustrating.
A third need is a sense of adventure, sort of... she's said multiple times that she felt like maybe she fell in love with me because my family always wound up taking us on crazy adventures and we don't do that so much. After YEARS of trying to get her to do thrilling activities with me, learn scuba, go on trips, and after our last three years overseas having fantastic times, this is a puzzler.
So figuring out how to act is strange. It's hard to detach and work on emotional connection; it's hard to motivate without pushing; it's hard to adventure with someone who feels like they've dropped anchor (she showed interest in indoor skydiving so I bought her a gift certificate for Christmas... I have not been able to get her to go YET).
Ah, a puzzler. Won't see her much today, but she has IC and that always worries me as I think her IC'er is validating her "it's over and there's nothing I can do" vibe. GRRR.
I have to say, NONE of my experiences with individual or couples counselors, for marriage or otherwise, has done ANYTHING to recommend the practice to me.
