Hi Shel, I've read through all of the posts here and I can tell you that some of what you've been told by him is word for word what my XH told me. It's MLC all over the place. There is not much you can do.
You have to let him go. You are going to stay caught up in this drama for awhile, likely, but eventually, you're going to see that it is hurting you, and then you'll really break away from it.
It is heartbreaking, yes. The fact that it is SO scripted, that all of them say and do the same things, is striking to me, it makes me think my god, this is a terrible mental illness and why is it not documented and why are people not aware of it more? I feel like the person who does these things acts like they are the first and only one to feel this way, and most people around them are so "flabbergasted" (good screen name, by the way) by the completely out of character behavior that they just stand there stunned and no one ever calls them on the behavior.
And you know if they did, it probably wouldn't matter. All my telling my XH that he was severely MLC made him become MORE MLC.
The best thing you can do is to try to remove yourself from his drama as much as possible and try to cultivate the parts of your life or the activities that make you feel good and at peace.
I know it is so very hard but you have all of us here who are/were in the same boat so we are there to help.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh and Flabbergasted, my XH dropped the bomb on June 10, 2010. We were divorced on 1/25/11. Fast track all the way. It was final as soon as it could be because he wanted it that way and I could not stop him.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
All my telling my XH that he was severely MLC made him become MORE MLC.
Yes, my W went insane if I ever mentioned this to her.
Keep your chin up Shel.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Antonia, I really relate to you sitch. I saw so many parallels and with no children for to keep us with a need to stay in contact I don't have much hope for a future with H. I hope to see my step sons but he controls that for the most part too and just wants to get on with his life without reminders of me.
Tad, I read your posts and feel so much of what you're feeling. I take all the advice given to you as I can see how to apply it to my feelings and actions as well.
I haven't heard from H since Tuesday. Wednesday I left on a 10 day business trip and don't plan to contact him. I can see his tweets and know that with SS at his mom's for the weekend H and OW are shacked up at his place...posted about wine and a movie with his two best friends...her and our dog would be my guess. It was November that he turned to me in bed one night and said how happy he was to have me as his best friend.
Anyway, I'm enjoying my trip. I have some good friends in CA at my new job and have been out with someone every night since I've been here. It helps to keep my mind off things. I'm going to hang out with my brother today. Not sure what we're doing but it'll be nice to see him. I was gonna head to Tahoe with the girls Sunday but with spring break they're thinking the 4 hour drive could take more like 6 on the way back so instead we're planning a spa day at the Ritz Carleton. That should be fun too.
I get sad...I miss my relationship with H. I realize he's no longer the same person and it breaks my heart that the future I thought we had is gone. I keep hoping he'll wake up...realize OW is a controlling witch after him for his money and want me back but I don't see that happening...it's like he feels he made this choice and now needs to make the best of it. I pray for him...I pray for me to do the right things...to know what my path is and have the guidance and strength to walk it.
I pray for everyone here. Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and advice.
Hi Shel. I'm glad that you are having such a great time in California. It is good to get away sometimes even though it is for work.
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I get sad...I miss my relationship with H. I realize he's no longer the same person and it breaks my heart that the future I thought we had is gone. I keep hoping he'll wake up...realize OW is a controlling witch after him for his money and want me back but I don't see that happening...it's like he feels he made this choice and now needs to make the best of it. I pray for him...I pray for me to do the right things...to know what my path is and have the guidance and strength to walk it.
Yeah, me too. She was my best friend for 25 years. Now what do I do? I miss being able to talk to her. We used to have some great conversations. As for waking up, I hear that most of them do, but it is a slow process.
Keep your chin up. (I hear) it gets better.
Take care and keep in touch!
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
I had a fairly good day yesterday. Went to the Ritz Carlton at Half Moon Bay with a co-worker for lunch. Walked the coast trail and went down to the beach so I could put my toes in the sand. We went back to the hotel and sat on the terrace and enjoyed some wine and then some hot tea when the breeze shifted. It was beautiful. I kept thinking of how much I'd love to bring H there. I kept looking at all the couples. I enjoyed the company of my friend and had a good time but still had some lonely thoughts.
H sent me a "How's it going?" text this evening. I responded that I was good and had experienced my first earth quake today. He asked if I was okay and I said it was pretty short and just shook the building...no damage. He didn't respond after that. I'm guessing he was going to ask me for divorce paperwork and decided not to when he found out I was out of state.
I think it's interesting how he only contacts me during the week. His weekends are consumed with OW. SS was out of town this weekend so I'm guessing they spent the weekend together...from what I saw of his 4 square updates. I know, I shouldn't look but I can't stop myself.
I keep hoping his R with OW will end but I don't see that happening. It's so hard to have hope.
I haven't posted much because there hasn't been anything new with H until today.
I've been doing okay. I read a lot of the advice here and try to apply it to myself. I'm working on "this didn't happen to me...it happened for me". I am doing pretty well. I'm focusing on getting my life back. I also like the advice of be a person anyone would be crazy to leave (or similar advice) and I'm working on that too. I'm staying busy and working out and taking care of myself. There's a spring in my step and confidence I was lacking before the bomb.
H texted me tonight with "Watcha doing?" I waited not sure if I should respond or not (thought about how my "guessing" was altering a normal response as noted above) and responded 10 minutes later with "laundry" he asked if he could call and I said yes. He asked how I'm doing and I said "good - actually very well" He talked about SS18 quite a bit.
He said he has mail for me and I said I have mail for him. He said his friend can help him move a fridge to swap out an old one I have next week and asked if I'd be around or traveling. I said I'd be home. I asked if he has SS12 this weekend and he said yes. I asked if I could see him and he said he doesn't know what he'll have going on this weekend. I didn't push. He ended the call saying he was just calling because we hadn't talked in a while. I said goodbye and that was it. Weird.
Of course I'm trying to figure out what he really wanted. Is he going to forego getting D paperwork from me and have me served? Its so weird that he called and didn't mention anything about D. The mind reading has to stop when I finish this post so I can just relax and go to sleep.
That's about it. I pray for a sign but I also know I'm not ready to move on. I need to let go and focus on myself but as far as a relationship with anyone I'm not ready. I'm getting me back one day at a time.
Here I am again. Haven't been posting much because I realize this is totally out of my control.
H watched the dogs for me while I was away on business and brought them home on a Saturday a couple weeks ago. He came in and took his shoes off so I guess he decided to visit.
We chatted about the dogs and his boys. Basically a whole lot about nothing and he left. I looked fabulous by the way!
In the frenzy of his leaving (he brought the one dog he's kept) I forgot to give him his mail. I sent a text that I had mail for him and he texted me to call him. I said I was putting the screens in so I'd just leave the mail in the door later in the week rather than talk to him about mail.
He then sent a text saying he wanted to talk to me about why he's been so down the past few months. I called him about 10 minutes later.
He told me he feels horrible for what he's done to me. Said he sees how good I'm doing and how great the house looks. Tried to tell me that he knew separating would make me happy. I told him I'm doing very well and had been in a funk prior to the bomb and this has totally prompted me to pick myself up and get my old life back. He said he sees that and is so happy for me.
H said he isn't happy and doesn't know if he ever will be. He realizes that we were a team and he'll probably never have that again with anyone. Said he'll probably never find anyone that loves him "just for him" the way I did.
He said he misses me and misses coming home to me. I said he'll be happy again and that's what I want for him. To have what he wanted when he started this. I told him I've forgiven him. I told him to call anytime he wanted to talk.
I was on cloud 9 when I got off the phone! He told me everything I'd been wanting to hear. I visited a friend later and told her everything. She took me by the shoulders and shook me...then she asked if he said he loved me, couldn't bear to lose me, left OW and begged my forgiveness. I said no...and she said THEN HE DIDN'T SAY IT and DON'T READ into it!!!! Everything I knew from here but apparently was so happy to forget at the hint of a non-existant sign from him.
The next day I stopped by his place to pick up a dog bed he'd forgotten to bring back. I was so excited he had said I could stop by. That meant OW wasn't there and I could see my step sons. He acted as though we'd never had the conversation the day before. I was upbeat and positive and left before he decided my visit would be over.
I told my friend what happened and she said to call him with my questions so I did. He asked what I had questions about so I told him I left because he wanted me to leave. It was not my choice. I wanted to work on things but he said he needed me to leave to see if he'd miss me. Then he said he missed me the day before. So I asked if that meant anything...he asked what I thought it meant and I said nothing. He said it didn't change anything...he just wanted me to know he feels bad.
I KNOW better than to get sucked into that.
At least I recover much faster when I backslide but boy was that a bad 24 hours.
Today he got mad at me for not getting him all the paperwork he needs to divorce me. I've been taking my time but now I'm ready to let him go. I think he's using the money he pays me to help with bills as an excuse for always being broke...both to himself and to OW. He's going to take out from investments to pay a lump sum to pay off debt.
He had the audacity to text me today that my dragging my feet "reinforces his decision" like if I'd been quicker to give him paystubs and investment info he might have actually changed his mind and felt love for me again. What a dolt!!!
Anyway...just journaling to show that crazy hasn't been cured!
