OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

What an amazing weekend I had with my D in San Diego. I can honestly say it has been transformative for everyone.

My D & I are closer than we've ever been and I'm so looking forward to the rest of my life with her! She is the best thing ever! I have become a father I never could've imagined I would ever be. I just can't wait until tomorrow!

I can also honestly say I haven't felt this good about myself in years. I'm very happy and it is starting to have a ripple effect in other areas of my life, esp. my business.

All this, apparently has not gone unnoticed by WAW. She seems to have figured out she can no longer touch me - my buttons are not pushable any more. Since we've come home, she is constantly trying to exert some sort of control and the only place she seems to be able to find it is with our D.

I have an important meeting tomorrow and W has school, but she doesn't like that I've made all my own arrangements for sitters, etc., so she is taking charge and made arrangements for the rest of our spring break week ... finally (Honestly, where the heck has she been anyway?).

Tonight, I'm at work and she is with D at our home. Has arranged for D's friend to have a sleep over. Then has decided she'll stay, too, as it will be easier for me in the morning if she is there to take the friend home. Seriously? Like I'm not capable of dropping the friend off on the way to my meeting? Whatever, crazy lady. Just keep trying. Maybe one day you'll figure it out. . . or not - not my problem.

One thing I'm mentioned over on bboom's threat with regards to the way I feel about my W, but bares repeating here for journaling. (see: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...023#Post2148023)

It happened to me again this afternoon. WAW was coming down the stairs of our house as I was going up. She had both arms reaching out to opposite railings. In the past, I would've automatically stepped up and put my arms under hers and embraced her. Today, I stepped to one side, waiting for her to let go with one hand, to pass on my way up without making eye contact. As I went by, I had those memories of days-gone-by and it felt good.

It's happened to me before, where I catch a glimpse in my periphery and see a ghost or a memory of my W - and I feel good. It's a familiarity like no other. I know I love her and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm at peace. I miss her. I know my W is gone and as much as I love her, that cannot bring her back.

My reality, what I am left with is the full-on view of my WAW, who is NOT my W, but an entirely different person all together. She's not someone I love, respect, or care to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with. She is but a poor resemblance of the wonderful, gorgeous, fun, special woman I have in my heart. She doesn't have it. It's just not there. She's not HER.

If you are reading this as some sort of painful, guilt-ridden, diatribe of angst about my sitch, don't. I can say for the first time in a long time I actually feel good. I have my memories my loving W and they are wonderful. I don't know where my life will go from here, but THAT woman who is in my house isn't really welcome in my life. I almost feel bad for her. She's not only has to carry the burden of her actions and of destroying our family, but she has to live with the fact that she has killed the most terrific individual I have ever met in my life - herself. That is sad.