WAW and LBS

[OnMyWay]

One last note: When I look at W now, sometimes I see the person I married (the one I love) and sometimes I see someone I don't want to be with. It seems that the more I detach and GAL the less I want to be with her and the less I care about her and her WAW actions. Is this normal? If I do really good at detaching and GAL will I reach the point where I don't want her back? After all, she has broken my heart many times and I may reach the point where she no longer deserves me.

bboom,

this is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I catch a glimps of my W out of the corner of my eye or in passing or whatever, and I feel a great sense of comfort and peace knowing it's the "real" her. Then, I step back and look at her straight on and reality comes back to me rather quickly. It use to bother me when it happened, but I've gotten used to it and rather enjoy those little moments as sweet pleasures of a different time. I've learned love them.

It has, however, put my R with WAW in sharp focus. I know, deep in my heart, I love my W more than anything and cherish my memories of her. I now know my wife, the one I love so deeply, is no longer in existence except in those memories. The woman I look at today is someone else, entirely. My W is gone and I miss her dearly. She most likely will never be coming back. The only question which remains is what do I do with the woman still standing before me.

I can recognize this sense of calm comes from my near complete detachment. I sense she now feels it for the first time, as she seems to be changing. I spend enough time around her with our D that I can pick up on the little things. The biggest thing for me is that I see she's trying to gain some sort of control over our sitch and the only power she has left seems to be over our D. She certainly can't get to me anymore, as my life gets better and better every day. It's almost like this DBing stuff has just become a hobby to me - something I do for fun - as I don't really care if she decides to come back to me or not. I might even be better off without her. I certainly won't be so willing to compromise if she wants to come back and I won't put up with any of the sh!t she's pulled in the past!

From where I stand, it appears to me if we decide to reconcile, we will be starting from scratch in a brand new R. Right now I'm not interested in that at all - I see is a brighter future ahead of me and don't want to settle for less. The only thing keeping me where I am is my D want's me to keep trying and because my "word" still means something to me. Although, admittedly it's become more difficult as I know she's NOT the woman I married any longer and staying true to my word is a challenge. I KNOW I'll be ok if we decide to put this to rest for good.