You're right, DG, I'm trying to gain the power to steer the situation where I want it to go. We had another "heart-to-heart" this evening; she admitted she is still in love with the OM but said their communication is "non-emotional". Uh-huh...I said I was not going to tolerate another person in our marriage, I was not going to be #2 and if she could not commit to having no communication with the OM then I did not see any point in continuing to try to R. She nodded, said "I understand" and reiterated that financially she is unable to move out. I asked, "Is that what you want to do?" Answer: "I don't know." It feels like I'm sparring with smoke; there's nothing to zero in on. Tonight she's back in her office with the door closed Skyping with her older sister. And I'm riding the roller coaster...yes, I want to build a new marriage out of the ashes of our old one...no, I'm sick of this crap, please pack up and leave.
I can honestly say I have not thrown my full efforts into detaching and going 180; I am the one who initiates the conversations about our M, and I know that puts me in a position of weakness. Perhaps in focusing more on detaching I will feel less of the ups and downs and be able to GAL without all the extra noise in my head. Right now this all seems like a slow, agonizing death, even though it's only been 6 weeks for us. In typical "man" fashion, I want to heal it or bury it and just move on.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
