Thanks, Moose. My patience paid off at least a little with one friend posting on her FB quote "well yes, but part of growing up is wanting the things you should."
But MAN, it's rough! We went for a walk around a lake and then dinner, and ... if she'd totally given up, she wouldn't have gone with me and had fun conversations, right. But if she was really interested in fixing things, she wouldn't be so tense all the time and feel a fight-or-flight reaction constantly. Which is it, and ... well, how can I help? That's another thing that hurts bad... I *do* love her, and it hurts me to see her in pain like this, even while I'm very angry and confused. I don't want her to feel tense and panicked; I want her to feel comfortable and supported and free to work on her thesis and know that I'm there cheering her on.
That's one separation I would endorse: sending her back to her sister to finish her degree. I just don't know if it would be enough, and I fear any separation which really puts her surrounded by her friends, which sounds mean, but... I know she's lonely here, but if she would only get a job, move forward, put out feelers, get friends... that would fix SO MUCH of the problem. She feels like she's torn between "live with friends and have a great fun time all the time" and "live alone with husband she's not feeling great about and sit at home all day lonely." Well, no great surprise THAT choice is confusing.
Keeping a PMA is tricky business these days. So far I've managed it... next two nights I'm out of the house doing GAL stuff (I wish I enjoyed it more; would rather be at home snuggling making love--coming up on a year since that, tho), and hopefully that'll be good with her too.
Ah, I feel so lonely. It's REALLY hard not to try and talk to her about OR stuff. Talking about the movie we watched last night just seems so... banal in the face of life-crushing despair. But I do it anyway, and smile and laugh.
The trickiest bit about OR talk is that I know one of the things she has stated that she wants is for me to notice when she's down and listen to her complain without judging. But since what causes her the most stress is the relationship, if I ask her how her day went and she says "things are just... tense", I'm not sure what to say to that except "yeah, I know; this [censored] but I really appreciate you trying" or something similar.
May try a DB coach; our MC isn't being very helpful with "what to do"--and by now we've rehashed our problems so many times I think we're not learning much.
