Yeah, I'm not actually thinking of sending it to her. I was this morning when I wrote it, but fortunately that feeling passed.
I'm thinking now maybe I'll write a letter a day to her for 100 days and then I'll see how I feel about giving any of them to her.
Let it all spill out on paper for nobody but myself and then we'll see where I am at with all the things that I've been working on. That way, I can still feel something with her, without putting anything on her. Can keep her as my training buddy without her even knowing it and I know that handing her 100 letters one day is bound to make an impression on her.
From this point forward it's pretty much gonna be Dark City for this boy. Have already been detaching, but now I'm simply gone. Settling in for the long haul and no more initiating nothin'.
Besides, I figure I've got at least a year's work of work to do on my own right now, and between now and then anything can happen.
I am going to keep my eye on setting up a vacation with her when the time is right, but only after she's been initiating contact for awhile.
I think the worst part of it is all the self-doubt and insecurity I sometimes feel, but that's the main reason I am in this mess in the first place. So as challenging as it is, I really don't mind taking the time to clean things up. I always knew I would have to get around to doing it sooner or later.
Peace.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
