Okay. If all these things are now occurring to me as "an opportunity to restore my integrity", then how will I know when my integrity has been restored?
How will I know when I am whole and complete in the areas that are most important?
Well, what are the areas that are most important to me right now?
My Health. My Happiness. My Relationships. My Finances.
I think the place to start is a return to structure in my day.
A framework or foundation for living well throughout the day, begins with a solid start.
Then I can be fluid. Then I am committed. I become clear. Direct. Intuitive. Boundless. Radiant.
Ahhhhh....
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I am declaring I am being the possibility of "things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome."
I am being that possibility.
Just like I am being the possibility of restoring my integrity, loving myself completely, and transforming my body and my bank account.
It means at any moment I can choose to act in ways that are consistent with my values and desired outcomes, or I can choose to act in ways that are not.
Often, I am seeing myself acting in ways that are inconsistent. I am hearing myself say I am going to do things, and then I do not do them. At other times I've been saying "I have truly let her go" while fretting about her never coming back, and constantly checking for messages that are unlikely to appear.
There is nothing "wrong" with that. It simply isn't workable. It simply means I will continue feeling bad about myself and I will never get my desired outcomes.
Good. With this greater understanding of the workability of my word - of the value of integrity and keeping my promises to myself - life is very good indeed.
Hey! Ho! Let's go!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Yeah, I know, it all sounds really good in theory while my heart continues hurting, but I think the sooner I can hold the possibility of us reuniting as being totally equal to the possibility of us never reuniting, maybe then I'll feel more balanced. Maybe then I'll feel more calm and secure within myself.
More stable and grounded in the now. I'm just feeling a little melancholy at the moment.
Hmm.
What song could I use right now.
Ha!
H R Pufnstuf! Whose your friend when things get rough! H R Pufnstuff Can't do a little cause he can't do enough!
I never understand that last line. Kind of like another zen koan or something...
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Wow I am having a tough time today. I think the big thing that is affecting me was finding out from immigration yesterday that it's now going to be a minimum of 12 months for me to get back into the States to see her, and that's only if everything goes extremely well.
Meanwhile her last letter is telling me to go out on dates like she is going to.
This is feeling pretty rough right now.
I think my best approach here is just to be really cool, be totally accepting and validating of everything she does, while patiently working towards another week long vacation with her sometime.
I'm sure that's bound to happen one day as long as I don't pressure her in any way. So I'm gonna have to take what comfort that I can from that objective, while working on my long term goals and enjoying my days along the way.
Hope you all are finding some peace and happiness in your day today, as for me I can't wait until this day is over so I'm heading off to bed.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Being with you was fun, but I've realized I need a partner who I can work with. A partner who is willing to work with me. I've discovered that what really makes things unworkable in a relationship is a lack of true communication, and I feel a lack of communication comes when people are not being honest with their self or the other person.
I believe true love and clear communication is impossible when people lack integrity. Without integrity, everything becomes more difficult.
As often as we have said that we have been honest with each other, I think our actions showed we were mainly being honest about the amount of uncertainty in our relationship, and I think all of that came from a lack of true happiness and confidence within ourselves.
I don't really think it matters anymore how and when the uncertainty really started, or who brought what strengths and weaknesses to the table.
Personally, I think even before we met I was probably feeling too insecure and unstable within myself to really feel strong and confident and secure and truly open and vulnerable with anybody else. I probably wasn't quite as ready to find my Soul Mate as I thought I was, but ready or not there you were to help me find my way.
Now I've realized that if I am ever going to be in a committed relationship again, then I will need a woman who I can trust to go the distance. A woman who is able to stand by her decisions even when things don't go the way that she expected, and yet has enough confidence, integrity and flexibility to adapt to all of life's changing circumstances without ever running away or threatening our relationship.
I understood this intellectually before we met, but now I get it in my heart as well, so I really want to thank you for helping me see just how important integrity really is. I think you call it being true to yourself, and I have also come to think of it as being whole and complete with myself and other people, so maybe this letter is simply to help me feel whole and complete with you one way or another.
I do know that if I am going to be with somebody for the rest of my life, then I need a woman who I can trust to always be there for me. A woman who will confidently stand by me until the end of time. Not a woman who feels it is okay to tell me one thing and then show me something else. Not a woman who says she is there for me and then runs away when I really need her the most. Not a woman who says that she is mine and then dates or sleeps with someone else.
I am now feeling that ending our marriage was the right decision for both of us. Of course it still hurts, and I really don't like the idea of you trying again with anybody else. I think there is still enough here between us that we could still have an awesome life together if both of us were willing.
But just like you, I am no longer willing to settle for less than I desire. The next time I am with a woman, I want her to know and show how much she really wants me without holding anything back and denying me access to the very best within her. Without giving me full access to her soul and all the wonders of her body and her mind. I am still open to the possibility of that woman being you, I am just no longer counting on it.
I think in your own way you fully agree and understand there has to be integrity in our relationship. Whatever it turns out to look like, we must both be certain that it is real.
I know my pain feels real right now, but I know my love for you is even stronger, and my faith in God is absolute so I really can't complain.
I have no idea what the future holds. I just know that right now I am better off without you because it is giving me the much needed time and space to really focus on doing the things that I am certain will make me even happier with myself.
---------------------
Well, it's a start. What do you all think?
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Words, what do they mean? What do they accomplish?
Here's a fine, handsome word: "Respect"
My W is divorcing me after 18 years and two children and is romantically involved with another man.
I have not been a bad husband or father (certainly not perfect, but certainly not terrible)
Does she respect her wedding vows? Does she respect the institution of marriage? Does she respect her husband? Does she respect her faith? Does she respect her God?
I don't know the answer to any of these. But I do know this.
I cannot control who or what she respects, not by my actions nor least by my words.
Here's another word: "Feelings"
A woman will always respect her own feelings - perhaps above all those other things.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yeah, I'm not actually thinking of sending it to her. I was this morning when I wrote it, but fortunately that feeling passed.
I'm thinking now maybe I'll write a letter a day to her for 100 days and then I'll see how I feel about giving any of them to her.
Let it all spill out on paper for nobody but myself and then we'll see where I am at with all the things that I've been working on. That way, I can still feel something with her, without putting anything on her. Can keep her as my training buddy without her even knowing it and I know that handing her 100 letters one day is bound to make an impression on her.
From this point forward it's pretty much gonna be Dark City for this boy. Have already been detaching, but now I'm simply gone. Settling in for the long haul and no more initiating nothin'.
Besides, I figure I've got at least a year's work of work to do on my own right now, and between now and then anything can happen.
I am going to keep my eye on setting up a vacation with her when the time is right, but only after she's been initiating contact for awhile.
I think the worst part of it is all the self-doubt and insecurity I sometimes feel, but that's the main reason I am in this mess in the first place. So as challenging as it is, I really don't mind taking the time to clean things up. I always knew I would have to get around to doing it sooner or later.
Peace.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
And thank you also for the perspective on respect and feelings.
As for me, I'm working really hard on figuring out what I contributed to the drama, while learning to listen and respect my own feelings. Instead of always controlling or complaining about hers. Tried that. Didn't work. Better to let 'er go.
It's a beautiful day outside.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
