He's not gone yet but says his feelings are gone

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

Kinda journaling: I think I surprised him Sat night by telling him I was going to a new church, where I didn't know anybody, by myself on Sunday. We've gone in different directions spiritually lately. Last year, he started questioning whether God existed. I think this is definitely an early MLC or something. Anyway, going somewhere completely new with people I don't know at all is really out of character for me. Not something I would normally do. And it felt good! I wasn't as nervous or stressed about it as I thought I would be. It felt good to be around nice, supportive people in a happy place. I wanted to take S (3 yo) with me but H thought it would be best if I went by myself & checked it out first, which I agreed as it was a reasonable idea.

When I came home, they had gone to the park. I took the time to start cleaning the house (something I slacked on when I was feeling depressed). I vacuumed which is supposed to be one of H's chores. I hate it. They came home just as I was finishing up. I was kind of glad he "caught me in the act". S went up for his nap & H went outside to work in the garage. I did some more cleaning & did some work I brought home. Later, I also took out the trash, which is another of H's chores, but it needed to be done.

I never mentioned anything about the church & he didn't ask. I didn't make a lot of conversation but stayed upbeat & pleasant. I'm so tired of his depressing remarks. For instance, he noticed something on a box he hadn't seen before. I was just trying to make pleasant small talk, & said, "It's amazing what happens when you look". Him: "Not necessarily." Sheez.

After dinner, I gave S a bath & we put him to bed. After that, I went to our room to do some reading & journaling. He came in to get his stuff to take a shower. I was still there when he came back down & he asked me if I was going to read for a while. I said yes, and he went into the living room to watch a movie. The movie just happened to be over about the same time I was finished. I came into the kitchen & he said, "Did you fall asleep?" Me: "Nope." We both got ready for bed & once we got in bed he seemed pretty chatty. Telling me all about his time w/ S at the park & at lunch. I responded pleasantly but didn't really initiate a lot. He started complaining that his stomach was bothering him (stress induced by all of this by his own admission) and he didn't sleep well the night before. He asked me what time our appt w/ MC was on Thurs. I was the first to roll over w/ my back to him & say good night.

I'm trying not to take his continued "stomach problems" and negative statements to be a clue to his current mindset. But it's hard to truly ignore. I'm trying to detach & keep in mind I can't fix him or change his mind. I can only do what I need to do to take care of me. (Taking care of my son is a given.) Easier said than done, and I catch myself trying to analyze him.

I talk w/ the therapist in IC the day before our appt, which I'm glad about. It makes me feel more prepared to meet with her together. I hope he makes an appt for IC for himself, but at this point he still thinks the problem is all me. I am no longer believing that and taking that to heart.