Today another 180. Totally different clothes to usual. Don't do that often, usually at home in jeans or tracksuit or working in glorified pyjamas, unless it's a special occasion. Feeling very smart and summery at the same time.

Last night was interesting. I played guitar when I got home as I had a rubbish day at work and needed to destress. She sang along whilst doing a bit of work on the computer. We had dinner together - she suggested it, and a very small relationship talk whilst she was ironing before bed.

She asked about the houses I'd been looking at, and how I was feeling about the whole moving thing. I told her I wasn't moving at the moment, although had seen a few lovely places. I told her I agreed with what she said 3 weeks ago about mixed messages of wanting to work at things and then packing. I explained it was just self preservation, and being ready to go should I need to. I asked her how she felt about me still being here in the her house, and she said it was awkward the first few minutes every time, but after that it was fine and comfortable. I told her how frustrating things are for me at the moment, because I know what I want, and thus feel the need to formulate a plan to get there. And that I'm not done with this relationship yet. She doesn't know what she wants (finally admitted it, hurrah!). I told her it was frustrating not being able to do or say what I want to do or say in her presence. I said I wasn't sure if I would be able to move out and not consider the relationship totally over and just start afresh in a totally seperate life. It would be weird. She asked why, and I couldn't really answer that.

She talked a lot about her day in the garden with her Mum and organising a leaving do for one of her colleagues. Showed me all the silly presents the office had made and bought.

Neither of us know what to expect at counselling, but she does want to go. I asked if she thought she might go again and she said "I don't know, it depends what happens tomorrow" but with a very positive face and tone.

Only 9 hours to go!

Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.