Being with you was fun, but I've realized I need a partner who I can work with. A partner who is willing to work with me. I've discovered that what really makes things unworkable in a relationship is a lack of true communication, and I feel a lack of communication comes when people are not being honest with their self or the other person.
I believe true love and clear communication is impossible when people lack integrity. Without integrity, everything becomes more difficult.
As often as we have said that we have been honest with each other, I think our actions showed we were mainly being honest about the amount of uncertainty in our relationship, and I think all of that came from a lack of true happiness and confidence within ourselves.
I don't really think it matters anymore how and when the uncertainty really started, or who brought what strengths and weaknesses to the table.
Personally, I think even before we met I was probably feeling too insecure and unstable within myself to really feel strong and confident and secure and truly open and vulnerable with anybody else. I probably wasn't quite as ready to find my Soul Mate as I thought I was, but ready or not there you were to help me find my way.
Now I've realized that if I am ever going to be in a committed relationship again, then I will need a woman who I can trust to go the distance. A woman who is able to stand by her decisions even when things don't go the way that she expected, and yet has enough confidence, integrity and flexibility to adapt to all of life's changing circumstances without ever running away or threatening our relationship.
I understood this intellectually before we met, but now I get it in my heart as well, so I really want to thank you for helping me see just how important integrity really is. I think you call it being true to yourself, and I have also come to think of it as being whole and complete with myself and other people, so maybe this letter is simply to help me feel whole and complete with you one way or another.
I do know that if I am going to be with somebody for the rest of my life, then I need a woman who I can trust to always be there for me. A woman who will confidently stand by me until the end of time. Not a woman who feels it is okay to tell me one thing and then show me something else. Not a woman who says she is there for me and then runs away when I really need her the most. Not a woman who says that she is mine and then dates or sleeps with someone else.
I am now feeling that ending our marriage was the right decision for both of us. Of course it still hurts, and I really don't like the idea of you trying again with anybody else. I think there is still enough here between us that we could still have an awesome life together if both of us were willing.
But just like you, I am no longer willing to settle for less than I desire. The next time I am with a woman, I want her to know and show how much she really wants me without holding anything back and denying me access to the very best within her. Without giving me full access to her soul and all the wonders of her body and her mind. I am still open to the possibility of that woman being you, I am just no longer counting on it.
I think in your own way you fully agree and understand there has to be integrity in our relationship. Whatever it turns out to look like, we must both be certain that it is real.
I know my pain feels real right now, but I know my love for you is even stronger, and my faith in God is absolute so I really can't complain.
I have no idea what the future holds. I just know that right now I am better off without you because it is giving me the much needed time and space to really focus on doing the things that I am certain will make me even happier with myself.
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Well, it's a start. What do you all think?
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
