Your story is my story. I can't begin to tell you the last time that I posted here....I rarely have time to even visit the boards anymore...but the people here brought me such comfort during a very difficult time in my life. And the title of your thread....I just had to read your situation.
There were a couple of things about some of your posts that I wanted to comment on.
You are wiser than I was to contact an attorney and get everything legal. Please stay on that course. At some point you may get the "I will always take care of you" or something similar...but that goes away after a while. I just paid some huge legal fees because XH decided he was too poor to pay child support for 6 months. And, yes...he did take care of us in the beginning...but the guilt eventually goes away and the money follows shortly after. Also, you mentioned that he offered to pay half of the bills. Please keep in mind that fair settlements, don't always mean half. It can be proportional to your wages. Half may not be a good deal for you if you were earning less. And now with your job situation....please, please continue to seek legal advice no matter what your H says to you.
The legacy you leave your children about marriage.....I said those same words. I have never said an unkind word about their father to them. But my children are very clear about my views on marriage and divorce.
Regarding talking to your kids about what their father is doing...should he be the one doing that? I knew what XH was doing with former best friend. And you and I are in a similar situation - families hung out together, we travelled together, etc. My girls loved her - thought she was so cool. But I got wind pretty early that something was going on - but never spoke to the kids about it. I figured that it was his story to tell, his relationship with his kids that he needed to worry about. He did finally tell them and it didn't go well and it has been downhill from there. I tried to fix everything early on, but finally, after hearing from two counselors that it is not my relationship to fix, let it go. And it is good that I did because I was damaging my relationship with them but trying to save their relationship with their dad. I am here for them if they need me, but I no longer act as the mediator for them. Your kids are similar in age to mine when all of this was going in. They will figure it all out. Your H is underestimating their response - but let him deal with it. These are his actions - not yours. Let him tell them about his behavior. Let him deal with the consequences.
Regarding OW, why speak to her...why take her calls? What can possibly be gained from that? It just drags you into their soap opera. Distance yourself from all of that. Take the high road - that will put plenty of distance between the two of you.
Continue reading DB. It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't about saving my marriage, but rather about saving me. And it did. And please understand that you can control your actions and behaviors, but you have no control over your H's.
STC - I am divorced. XH is now married to former BF. He used to see his kids every other weekend and one night every week. Now he sees them for an hour each week. XH lives with his wife and her three daughters and has all but forgotten about his kids, so now his relationship with his kids is pretty bad. They don't have a kind word to say about him or his wife. While this makes me sad because I never wanted this for my kids, I now know that I can't do anything about it except be there for them if they need me. And I am sorry to tell you this, but you can't lessen the impact. I thought I could....but you simply can't. All you can do is be there for them and pick up the pieces. I hope you don't think that I am a miserable middle aged divorced person. I am not. My life is very good. I have a new job (used to work with H so I lost my job in addition to my marriage), my relationship with my children is exceptional now, and I have made new friends and am really loving life.
Did I want a divorce? No. I don't believe in them. I wanted my marriage to work out, I wanted to keep my vows. But XH didn't feel the same way. I DBed almost from the beginning, but to no avail. He never looked back. And while I didn't want this, it actually turned into a positive experience for me. It isn't always easy, but the bad moments are so rare now.
Continue coming to the boards here. Although I don't recognize most of the names, except peacetoday who is amazing, I do know that these people understand and will offer you what you need, whether it is advice, comfort, or an occasional 2x4.
I do hope things work out for the better for you...although sometimes the definition of "better" can change with time. My life is definitely better now and I never thought I would be saying that!
