Wow! and again Wow! You sound darn near perfect to me. But then, my primary love language is touch. It looks like you are doing alot of very supportive essential things. It also sounds like it's time to refine and figure out how you can get more leverage. The 'Work Smarter not Harder' idea. You want to be supportive in the most effective manner. While the superbomb of support is great and wonderful, it's not something that can realistically be maintained longterm, especially when you are currently coming from a place of severe deprivation. Serious detective work is in order. Journaling is a great idea, and keep track of the clues as you find them. Please please please, find out her love language. It's quite possible to be incredibly supportive and appreciated, and still totally MISS the Boat!!
Quote: Let me ask you one final question: What triggers these "storms?" I'll admit I'm not the most observant husband in the world, but everything was just fine until we were on the highway, and then she just cut loose. Is it the captive audience? And what am I supposed to do about it -- avoid being alone with her? I guess I'd better stop and go to bed; I've got a lot to try and do around the house tomorrow while she's gone doing a Christmas Bird Count. Any additional words of insight and/or advice are appreciated.
Some of it truly is hormonal and unpredictable. Often I've already tried several other times and ways to express my concerns and address the issues. I do notice that sometimes I think I'm being extremely clear and specific, that what I'm attempting to communicate is blatently obvious, only to find out - it wasn't. For me fatigue and hunger are also triggers, once I'm fed or slept, suddenly I'm rational again. So H has learned to bring me food offerings, which works. I have learned to ask myself if I might be losing it because I need food. Food does wonders for dispensing the shadow problems, and I'm much more proactive, reasonable, objective and able to address the more substantial problems.
What are her rewards for acting this way?
Mine are/were Attention - Hear ME - Listen, maybe I can POUND some action or sense out of him. Hurt and pain and reaction is better than NOTHING.
Another HUGE payoff for me was even though it drives my H to shutdown and hurts him and our relationship in the long run. Short run it often works, H hears me when I cry, he gets that it's SERIOUS when I spin out of control, and he changes his behavior. He stops neglecting me. He, for a short time, remembers and does the things I've asked/demanded. Quite frankly he treats me better overall. For some reason he has to see the depth of my pain/fury for me to be real to him, even though it scares hurts and causes him to emotionally retreat from me to protect himself.
Another payoff is that I have rarely gotten any meaningful necessary emotional information from my H without a tempest. Either in the midst of or from the aftermath healing and trying to figure it out.
Since she's using the word TRY against you, I recomend dropping it from your vocabulary. The answer is you are DOing, you are in the process of learning this new skill, you are making progress with abc, before you would 123, now you can def. Ask for patience, ask for forgiveness (if apologies help- not if they hurt your case)Ask her what you are doing right, and for her to "catch you doing well" since that will help you get and stay on the right path. She already lets you know when it isn't working. See if She will let you know when it IS working.
WARNING signs to watch for - recurring themes or subjects what is she fretting over
