Quote: Someone please explain this to me, because I sure can't figure it out.
Why would a woman spend practically the whole night cuddling up and clinging to her husband "because it feels so good to be close" (not that she is in the least interested in or willing toward sex)...
Then the next day at the first opportunity suggest that you drive to the distant outlet mall to finish the Christmas shopping "so we can spend some time together without the kids"...
And then spend the entire ninety minute drive dumping on said husband on how everything he does is wrong and has been for the entire twenty years of marriage???
Her concrete suggestion to solving all these problems, by the way, is "Just FIX IT!"
THEN not seem to be able to understand why said husband doesn't exhibit a positive reaction to this bolt-out-of-the-blue dumping???
AND THEN goes ahead and shops the mall pretty much as if nothing had happened???
Guilty, guilty, guilty as charged... sigh (working hard not to do this anymore) I have absolutely NO clue if this applies to your wife, however, this is how and why I do it. Just one woman's insight on this bad behavior.
ignorance, stress relief, saftey, fear, frustration, overexpcetation, circular thinking, clarity of issues, everything that hurts, pain, sadness, depression, habit, unable to break the cycle, feeling that its the only way to get heard, fighting is better than empty feeling, rejection, lashing out, hurt the one causing the pain, exahustion, snarky get even, old stuff still hurts, guilt, hope, sorrow, pain pain pain captive audience
Thats my emotional word assossiation to the feelings involved in these emotional storms. The reasons I can feel fine in the aftermath and "ready to shop as if nothing happened" is because a great deal of pressure is released, I cleared out a great deal of emotional baggage that's been bothering and building in me, I've been heard (hopefully), I've thoroghly and completely communicated the extent of ALL (expectantly)and given the nesseceassry info for change, it's now in the hands of someone else (i.e. fix it) relief that I don't have to carry the burden any longer because I HAVE expressed myself, because I've expressed the list of worries, pain, problems, etc... it feels like I've done something to address it. Something has been done, and now I can move on to the more pleasant things in life and back on track.
Just like sometimes a good cry and ice cream and chocolate and book will make everything all right with the world and I can cope again.
Now, objectively speaking I realize that most of that stuff is utter nonsense, but we are talking emotion and feeling here and perception which while it may not be real, it IS reality therefore it is real. Sometimes I really do need to vent, othertimes the venting just feeds the cycle and problem. The trick is learning not to attack. Sometimes I know I'm attacking and despreatly trying NOT to attack, but I just don't know any other way of doing it, sometimes I don't even realize I'm attacking. I just want to be heard and understood and feel that my feelings matter and that my spouse is willing to do something about it.
I know that when I over emote and attack that my h doesn't get my points at all. The only message he gets is that he is wrong, he hurt me, that he is a lousy H. WRONG!! Not what I wanted to convey at all (k some of it) Usually he misses the main points of my rants completely, mostly due to overload -- way toooooo many points --- and also busy protecting himself from me, to understand, I really do get that it's hard to hear what a person is saying when you are dodging rocks. Often the real points are along the lines of I'm feeling unloved, I need more verbal appreciation, please be more involved in parenting the children (with specifics), this is a conflict, what we are doing isn't working, help me figure a way out, don't leave me stranded alone, be my friend, be my partner, be proud of me, love me, even though I can't stand myself either.
What works for me is writing it down. Exactly what are the issues/problems, are they masking something else. Questions help, what am i really mad about, what am i afraid of, what am i feeling, what is the anger, fear and frustration covering, and here's the biggie, What do I really want, NOT what I Don't want. Forcing myself to envision what I want my end result to be helps.
For example the statement, I want to have an affair. That is a impulse statement not what I really want. What I want is what I think the affair will give me. What I want is to feel loved, cherished, connected, valued, excited, and to feel loving, and what I really really want is to feel that way from and towards my H.
Sometimes the storm happens because I haven't taken care of me at all, quiet time used for nurturing myself, exercise, eating, feeling overwhelmed by too much to do and I'm doing a lousy job at it, and I feel guilty about how much I should be doing but am not doing (trust me this list is endless not to mention rediculous examined in the light of day). question, does your wife know how to nurture herself and does she know what you can do to nurture her?
Ask her if she just needs to vent for a bit, and don't take it personally (even if it is personal)
Sometimes I need help to stop spiralling out of control.
I think it's better when my H doesn't let me pound him even if that means I get a bit mad for a while. I have more respect for him when he lets me know that my behavior is NOT ok, and is disrespectful. Sometimes I don't realize how bad it is at the time because we are so use to this dance. Be gentle yet firm. One time that really worked we were all set to have a great date and for whatever reason I got off on a emotional tangent that was obviously gonna spiral out of control, and he just lovingly said, that we should shift and get off that topic, since it was upsetting me and would lead to worse, and lets just concentrate on having a good time. It took me several false starts to get off the topic, and I kept vering back to it, even though I AGREEED NOT to, and didn't want to go there, however we did have a good date. I've also given him several ways to stop me mid rant that work pretty much 90% of the time.
Hope some of this is helpful, if not just writing this has helped clarify a few things for me.
