I am so thankful to have found a place where there are people in situations similar to mine. I love that there is all this information about "sex starved wives" but I'd like to communicate with women who are not wives yet, but are experiencing the sex starved relationship or with people who knew that there was a low drive prior to marriage.
My back story is as follows:
I am 25 and my fiancee is 24. We've been together for 2.5 years and have known each other for about 6. We live together and as of right this second, we are planning on getting married in November.
I love him. I want him. And I want him to want me.
He says that he is simply not interested in sex. He lost his virginity not because he was particularly hormone driven, but because everyone else was talking about it and he thought it would make him cool. Prior to dating me, he was concerned about his sex drive being abnormal, so he got his testosterone checked out and all was fine in that department.
He would rather do anything else than have sex. He masturbates only when he is bored. Sometimes I feel as though he is asexual.
We haven't had sex since June. When we have had sex (and I could count the number of times on both of my hands) I enjoy it and he has said that he enjoys it too. There was only one occasion that he lost his erection and i genuinely wasn't worried about it nor did I make a big deal out of it.
I've lost interest in making the effort because of the number of times I have been rejected. There are all these "rules" in order to get him interested and it just takes the fun out of it for me. For example, he doesn't want to ML in the morning because his day will be thrown off. He doesn't want to ML when he gets into bed at night because he is in bed to sleep. Or he has to be seduced. I'm a confident woman, but this has really started to take a toll on that for me.
He is the only person I have been with and I want so much more out of this. I have needs and desires and although I am capable and do take care of myself, I want the closeness and intimacy from him that you just can't get from a vibrator. I am the inexperienced one in the r and he expects me to initiate if it is so important to me. And it is, but I want it to be important to him too. I have attempted to initiate, but I almost always end up chickening out because of fear of rejection. I know I need to change my attitude and be more positive but I am finding it very hard to do.
PLEASE, any suggestions are welcome. I am sure that some on here may wonder why I am even considering continuing this relationship by getting married, but I am sure you all know the answer.
I want this to work, but I need some help and support.
Have you read The Sex-Starved Wife, also by Michele Weiner-Davis? There is a companion web-site, 'www.sexstarvedwife.com', where you can discuss these issues with like-minded women.
It seems like it might be intuitive why you are continuing in the direction of marriage when you have this issue so young, and so early in your relationship, but it isn't necessarily. It will be helpful if you do talk about all the good things. It will help your posters understand your heart towards the relationship.
I'm glad you are seeking some help (beginning here) right now BEFORE you are married. Have the two of you made any efforts to get help together? Has he made any efforts by himself to explore his low drive with a doctor?
I don't question at all why you would want to marry him, you obviously love him.
I know you said he had his testosterone levels checked, could there be any other underlying medical issue that may be contributing to the problem? Is he on any medications that could cause it?
I know you say you miss the intimacy that sex gives you, is he still willing to satisfy you in other ways?
I agree with dbmod, I think it's great you are trying to tackle this issue now.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Dbmod- I have read the book, but not for some time. I know I get more out of books like that if I read them twice and I plan on revisiting it.
I did not know that there was a site specifically for SSW, so I will certainly check that out. Thanks for cluing me in!
We have not gotten help together at this point, but he is open to it. Slightly negative on it, but open. Whats holding me back at the moment is our financial situation. I've thought about the telephone counselors on this site since I do think they are reasonably priced, but talking to people on here was my first step.
Other than getting his testosterone checked out in college, he has not made any other effort with a doctor. He is not on any medication, so I know that is not effecting him negatively.
