Denver, I have to say that my sitch and yours are really similar in that they are so damn emotionally and mentally confusing. Since I'm so new, my story hasn't been cleared yet, but hopefully you can take a look once it gets cleared for posting.
I feel your pain re: any contact with OM. My W had an EA with a fellow grad student who is much older than her (and me), basically stemmed from her confiding in him that she was considering divorcing me because she knew he had been through a messy divorce himself. W confessed that he kissed her one night when she had been crying and upset over things with me. I found out, and she swears up and down that she told him she couldn't have any contact with him beyond school related stuff...but they have a class together and since the program is so small they regularly have to interact, usually at least twice a week. My only solace is that there are always other people there, and her other friends know we are trying to work things out. Unfortunately, I know that he is still pursuing her/flirting with her (through email and text mostly...snooping on my part, but I needed to know).
So, IMO, I think any contact with OM can be detrimental, especially because he wants her for himself. Again referring to where I am, I don't care if he did honestly treat her as a friend with advice and that sort of thing. Once the relationship crossed that line, anything he said and any advice he gave becomes incredibly suspect.
I have to agree with Jack's post above though...if your W wasn't telling you anything at all, then I'd be worried. In a situation where you know for a fact there is still contact with OM, it really come down to where you are on forgiveness. I know for me, I made the conscious decision to forgive W almost immediately because I knew that my emotional unavailability drove her to confide in someone else. Not excusing what she did, but I'm saying I understand why it happened and my role in it. From there, it's rebuilding the trust that was broken. I have been asking when I have definite knowledge of some kind of communication, but other than that, I've had a painful couple of weeks of learning to let go of my suspicions...it's really the only way to concentrate on what I need to work on in myself to make things right.
Hope that helps, and I also wanted to say that your story has been one of the most inspirational I've read so far. Stay strong man, I'm pulling for ya.
