VA, I'm going to send you back into the fray to address your concerns with your wife. YOUR concern at this point, not hers. The way she harangues at you gets on your nerves. I too would put it in the category of disrespectful behavior. Bring her behavior up with her, lovingly and respectfully...essentially model the behavior you would like to see from her when it comes to voicing complaints. You could smooth the way for better listening on her part by saying you have heard her concerns and will be working on them. But you have a concern about HER behavior you want to deal with now.
You actually have two concerns...haranguing and not being specific about how to address the problems she has with you. It might work best to deal with one at a time. Kinda like modeling how not to harangue .
If she typically has a problem of bringing up your faults when you address hers, stop it in its tracks right at that moment. Let her know you know she has concerns about you, but YOU too have concerns about her and you want her to hear you. If she seems unwillingly to listen to you and hear you at that time, let her know that you can't have this conversation with her at this time. That you need a time when YOU know that YOU will be heard. Then walk away.
Perhaps she comes up with excuses for her behavior. Repeat yourself..."The way you bring up concerns you have with me hurts our relationship." Don't get drawn into her excuses.
I don't know why your wife did what she did. Only she can answer that question. The why may not even matter. The issue is she gets away with it. Confront her lovingly and firmly, but if you don't want her to do it anymore, you're going to have to confront her. Probably more than once.
Oh yeah, be specific about what she can do to fix the problem...e.g. one problem at a time, make an "appointment" to discuss concerns rather than just throwing them out, being specific about how to deal with them...just some examples.
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