Am I on the right track?

[NEmoose43]

Well, I've been poking around on the boards for a while now, and I've read a lot about everyone's situations. I can't tell you all how much inspiration I've drawn from all of your stories...but after last night, I think it's finally time for me to get mine out there. Sorry it's going to be a novel, but there's a lot to tell, and any insight you guys could give me would be so appreciated.

W and I will have been married for 6 years this May. We met when my first marriage was crumbling (during the 90-day waiting period we have in our state for divorces), and fell head over heels for each other. I was 27 and she was 20, and though the age difference was a concern for both of us, we were talking about marriage within the first few months of dating each other. We were deliriously happy, and the complications and little problems in our lives seemed very small and insignificant. But of course, I'm here, so they obviously didn't stay that way.

Fast forward a bit to my first monstrous mistake, which was an EA with a coworker that started almost exactly 3 years ago. It never got physical beyond OW trying to kiss me at a work party, but I know W does not believe that. W found out when she saw pictures that OW had sent me with her phone posing in underwear, at which point I confessed to W, ended the EA, and tried to get on with our lives. And we were pretty successful at rebuilding. But the major problem was that I made the mistake of letting OW back into my life about 6 months later. She came back and apologized for trying to take our friendship to another level and asked if we could be friends again since she really valued my advice, etc, etc. I said we could try without thinking about what this would do to my W. I know, major mistake, but I can't change the past.

Fast forward again to this past September, when W started grad school for combined MS/PhD program approximately 50 miles from our home. Very stressful for her since she also needed to continue working part-time for us to afford it. OW drops a bomb on me by telling me that she is moving cross country to live in CA, and that she wants me to go with her. I lost it at her, said our friendship was over and that I did not want to hear from her anymore. Probably shouldn't have done it, but I told W about this as I was wanting to not have any secrets from her. Unfortunately, not only did it upset W, but thinking about W going back to school and OW going after her dreams got me thinking about where I was in my life and what I had accomplished...bringing on my very own MLC at 35! Yay! Was feeling very down, not happy at work, and that started to invade my home life. Now with W going to school and being super excited about it, she took my depression as me being upset that she was fulfilling a dream of hers, and i have learned in the last few weeks that that caused a lot of resentment on her part. She thought that I did not support her going for her dreams, and this could not be further from the truth. I sent her a long email trying to talk about why I was upset and how I was trying to figure out what to do with my goals etc...and made the mistake of not saying anything about how happy I was to have the solidity of our marriage to keep me sane and grounded. She took this email to mean that I was contemplating leaving her and going out on my own to find myself. Again, I only found out about this recently though the email was sent months ago.

Another major issue in our marriage is the fact that my elderly father lives with us, and has actually lived with me since before W and I met. She moved into my house, and unfortunately, I realize now that having a "roommate" really never allowed us to start our lives together. Despite having separate living areas, we've never had any real privacy, and that was a strike against us from the beginning. This past January, my father had a serious health scare where a cracked bone in his spine caused a swelling around his spinal cord. He spent over a month in various hospitals to try and fix the problem and it absolutely destroyed me mentally. I see now that during his illness, I was very cold to W, almost to the point of being mean. To be honest, I did not tell her a lot about what was going on because she is deathly afraid of hospitals, and I didn't want to burden her with what was going on due to the heavy workload she had at school.

Fast forward a bit more to last month, when I checked a phone bill and discovered 3000 text messages in a month between W and a colleague at her school. Checked her phone to figure out who the number was and also discovered some very flirtatious FB messages and posts. Confronted W that night and found out about EA with this guy that started during the first week my father was in the hospital. She said that he kissed her one night when she was crying about how upset I was and how she was thinking about leaving me. She also says that she confided in him because he had been through an incredibly painful divorce and it helped to talk to someone who had to deal with some of the things that she was feeling. She swears up and down that there is nothing else going on, and I believe her, although I have seen other emails and messages from him that tell me that at least he is still pursuing her. I have told W that despite any good advice he may have provided, OM wants her for himself and is trying to poison our relationship. She grudgingly agreed with me.

Which brings us to where we are now. The discovery of the EA brought out a lot of emotions in me: anger, pain, betrayal...but mostly guilt because I realized that the way I had behaved and my lack of communication with W is what drove her to confide in OM. I made the decision to forgive her immediately, but W said that there were more problems than just the obvious ones, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to work on us because of all the mistakes I had made with OW and the way she perceived my feelings about her going back to school. The last month has been full of a lot of soul searching on both our parts, and I am 150% committed to making things work between us. I have forgiven W, but she says she is not sure how to forgive, or if she even wants to forgive me. I have read DR and DB many times over, and am trying to do major 180s, especially in the way I interact with W and talk to her about school and in helping around the house to take as much pressure and stress off of her as I can. She has noticed the changes, but she does not know whether to believe in them. And my unfortunate tendency to want to talk things out at every opportunity has pushed her away.

As of today, W is staying at her parents house, about 15 minutes away from me. She has spent several days there for each of the last few weeks, and has come home on weekends to hang out and stay with me. We have had several date nights and had a good time at each. Nothing physical, even kissing, has happened since I discovered the EA, nor has she said that she loves me and we have talked about this a few times. W says that kissing me or telling me she loves me would make it seem like everything's ok when it's not, which I understand. And after a long long talk last night, it comes down to the fact that she wants space to figure out "who she is and what makes her happy". And also needs time to process all the things we've talked about and where it all fits. I told her I love her more than anything, and I want to make it through this together and that I will give her whatever support she needs...even if it means spending time apart. She says she has given me chances for three years now and I've blown all of them, so she is scared that if she gives me another chance and lets me back in, that I'll only end up hurting her again. She has said that she wants to figure out what makes her happy before trying anything with us, and she has said a couple of times that she "wants to let me back in", but doesn't know exactly how to or if she can trust me.

Wow, sorry this ended up being so long, but it's been a long month and a half since the sh-t hit the fan. Any insight you guys can give me would be so much appreciated. I feel like I've been receiving so many mixed messages from her that I don't know how to proceed. Do I go dark? Do I continue to communicate as we always have? I know I really need to avoid any R talk at all until she is ready, but do I act as I normally would toward her other than that???

What do you guys think?