If you can get along for the kids, that is a wonderful thing.
I will caution you, be very very careful...
They peek out, they are kind, and just as quickly, they can turn around...
There is a thread in the archives about touch and go's, it may even be on Cadet's list. I am sure someone can find it...
Right now, you are in a very touchy situation with the children. There is a court date in just over a week right?
Do NOT let your guard down right now...
Get that settled...
As much as you might want to trust her...please be careful...
This isn't a house or money or even your marriage that you are talking about right now, this is your children's lives and your relationship with them...
Don't leave that up to chance...
It doesn't have to be nasty, just get something in writing...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I am so thankful for this group. It's helping me not only try and figure out what to do but also understand what is going on.
I 100% see this is MLC. Her parents were divorced when she was 5 (her sister was 8) and her mother abandoned them. She was forced to basically fend for herself. Her dad was a great father/mother but she missed out on the nurturing that a mother can give.
I can see this MLC started rearing it's head when we lived in Dallas when her mother moved close to us. I didn't think much of it then but now I can see where it started.
I also see the major triggers now. My perceived infidelity, my loss of a job, my not being the best husband.
Now I do know what to do. FOR MYSELF and my kids. I don't want to be the kind of husband who takes his wife for granted. I want to cherish her and adore her. I want her to feel loved and special - something my W says that she hasn't felt from me in a while. She even says that I've constantly made her feel small.
I now see that this is really bc of her mother.
I think also that a lot of these outbursts have happened bc of the influence of her mother. When she is influenced by her father and a very good childhood friend, she is the person I've known and want to know.
My concern now is I truly want to help her. I want to give her the confidence, the praise, the love BUT I also know (or think) that it's the wrong thing for me to do.
That's the part where I'm confused right now.
Now that we have actual court dates that seemingly, neither one of us want to deal with, reality is here.
We're both just going to have to see what tomorrow brings...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
so now that the emotions are subsiding and the intelligence is coming back, I'm trying to figure my next move.
When we last left off, I was going to file in CA ONLY to file before she could in Ohio.
She got an emergency custody of the children, my lawyer thinks underhandedly, and has told me to file in CA. The court has ordered a guardian ad litem so things are moving now.
After talking to W last night in a moment of lucidity, it is clear she only did this to prevent me from taking them out of OH.
I don't want this D. I know that now after really thinking it through. My friends and family think I'm nuts but after a ton of reading, I am positive it's MLC and I want to make it a mission to stick it out.
This is no longer about winning but winning my M back. I can't imagine right now, being with someone else. I do want a better M and want to work on myself to help make that happen. That does mean ONLY working on myself and my girls.
But now that this ball has been set in motion, I'm not sure if NOT getting a D is an option.
I'm not looking for lawyerly advice but I do have to make some big decision before my atty talks to an atty in CA - a meeting that is setup for first thing monday.
any advice?
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Own your part in the breakdown of the marriage, dig to find out YOUR triggers in that breakdown...
Find out who you are under all of those layers of crap that have piled up around you over the years....
Still...
The number one thing is to take care of the girls...
I know you had a nice convo , and I'm not asking you to go straight for the throat on this...Just keep it in perspective.
In my experience, an MLCers word is only good for a day or two before it changes.....
Don't let emotions take over and drop your guard...
Think with your head on these decisions and not with your heart....
Mach has given you great advice here and let me further say that no matter what changes you make because of what she says about the breakdown of your marriage, you must understand that it would not matter. She has to have a reason to blame you. It could have been that you part your hair to the left or that you snore at night. I am not saying not to fix the snoring, or lose weight or to do whatever you see in the mirror that you need to fix. Just understand that it is not going to FIX your marriage. Your marriage is over, maybe you will be able to build a new marriage out of the ashes of this one, but you must wait for the fire to burn out before you start construction.
And Mach is absolutlety right about keeping your guard up. Sometimes they might be nice because they want something from you. Once they get it they spin on a dime.
true, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It does help quite a bit. My emotions are riding this coaster too much. I'm fine until I see her...and unfortunately my kids. I can't separate it all just yet.
It's that and the lawyer's fee and the complete change of life and not knowing what is going on in my career...it's all just a tad too much...
I do thank GOD for his presence and that of my family and my friends - you guys. Without all of that, I'm sure I would not be alive.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
