18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

Coming back from surgery, I told H that it was time for me to make some important decisions..like "whether or not I should let our 2.5 year old get a puppy and what kind?" (I was teasing, obviously) H was driving and totally fell for it - "Really??" - he wants her to have a dog. I said, "No, the only way she's going to get a dog is if we move in with my parents and my dad gets her one" he "Ohh, don't do that!" me "move in with my parents or let my dad be the one who gets her her 1st dog?" It was a pretty light convo, but it is time for me to figure some things out.

Last night (after we got home and settled in), I sent him a text and said that I had done a lot of thinking while driving and was really leaning towards moving home to my parents. It cuts me deep inside, but they deserve full time love and affection in a stable environment and I need help. I could not have gotten through the surgery without H and my mom AND his mom (the surgery got rescheduled and she flew out to cover when my mom had to fly home). I took the kids to niagara and couldn't even get a great picture (partly because it was cold) or a good nights sleep.

I'm still heartbroken....on a new level now, as I truly face the time ahead of me and trying to decide what to do and where to go. I know he's ruined the happy lives my kids could have had, betrayed my and their trust. I know I can give them something good to start from...they are going to have a lot of crap to work through, just like me, but what makes the most sense? If I fall apart or am struggling, I need to turn to other adults, not isolate my kids and I.

MIL came out Sun-weds. I asked H to take her home with him Sun. She didn't understand why she had to leave at 630, but I needed no stress, simple routine for the kids and I pre surgery. I got it and appreciated H making that happen. Although I flipped a little cause I took a nap since her flight was delayed and somehow she wound up making her connection and being on time and he would have just shown up with her at a messy house while we were all asleep. He said, she doesnt care if you haven't cleaned up...i said, I DO CARE. I was grumpy for the next hour, and he whined when I snapped at him, but come on. Wake me from a dead sleep calling me to say you are at the airport and my guest is 4 hours early? On top of being a cheating WAH?

His mom stresses me and I need to deal with that- she's nice, but very focused on herself (ok, she's honest about that) and steps on my personal space because I don't speak up. For example, she believes that positive thinking can change anything. She told me she went to a seminar and he gave her an arch in one foot. With the positive thinking, she is anti dark stuff, like bad movies, etc. On that, I really agree - I don't watch or read awful, scary stuff because I don't need that in my head. BUT, don't get down on me cause I am watching a music video for the 1st time and you don't like that it's about sick/bullied/unhappy kids, then tell me there was a car wreck 2 yrs ago that killed all but the kid in the carseat (then sit there in the car and try to remember and tell me the gorey details)....you can tell, right, that she just pushes my buttons? I do love her and my kids love her. I just need my space. Same thing with my older sister - she called that night after the surgery and said, well, now that that is done, I want to book my vacation. Are you coming with us or not? I love them both and they have been very supportive. I'm sure I drive them nuts too, and they still love me, so...ok.

Monday went really well at hospital. He was very supportive, we both kept it together. Tues he came home to see us and his mother. Weds he texted to check on kids. Thurs he called to check on kids and I told him I was freaking out some and driving to niagara (on my bucket list) to clear/organize my thoughts. Friday night I texted that I was leaning towards moving away (and leaving him to figure out how he was going to be a good dad).

He's coming here tomorrow to see the kids. I'm talking to my boss about detaching from the company next week, doing a mentored leave (basically quitting with door open). I'm going to talk to my dad about living in his rental house an hour from their house. That will give me space and freedom, but love and support nearby. He wants to sell it, but wouldnt mind renting it longer - to me IF he feels like we'd be safe in that neighborhood....that will be the hard sell. I'm going to get some career change info. I'm going to live my life as if my H is not going to be in it other than as a father. He needs to figure his crap out and me stalling my life is not going to help that. I'm not leaving early or sleeping around or being a b==tch. This is just another couple baby steps.