I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

I just can't control my emotions.

I have the girls today. STBXW comes over around 4 p.m. because she can't find a Nintendo DS game and the video store is charging her fines. We don't have the DS so she goes home. I can't control my emotions when she's over. I don't like having her here. I don't like being around her.

I checked my phone. She didn't call or text. She just popped by.

Go on to Gmail later -- I was avoiding it because I didn't really want to read STBXW's emails until Monday. But my sister sent me some so I had to hop on.

STBXW does not want a trial. Her lawyer is pushing for one. She wants to get this over with.

Then she talks about the house. She asks if I think it'll sell for $96,000. It was worth $132,000 three years ago.

I tell her she may need a more experienced Realtor and the short sale process takes several months.

I don't say that if she's intent on following this through to the end she should just walk away from it. Truthfully, faced with her situation that's what I'd do.

That's for her to figure out.

Back up to No Trial. That's great, right. I should be ecstatic. But I'm not. I'm relieved, but the 1 percenter in me keeps hoping something will change the direction even though I know I don't love the person she is now, I love the person I thought she was 15 years ago.

Knowing the truth and changing your feelings is two entirely different things.

I've always thought when it was over and we are divorced I might actually be OK around her. I'm starting to wonder if when the D is over and the door is closed if I'll just get worse.

Lately, I've been thinking about when D8 leaves for college. I can't wait until I only have to see her ... when the girls get married or have kids. I want her to be a page in a history book -- where I can hold on to the good memories and wipe away the bad ones.