I keep delaying posting to you because I want to give you the kind of line-by-line analysis that you give folks. But I'll be waiting forever, because that isn't who I am, in general. I'm just going to speak to you from my heart.
This is the way it often goes after someone has 'won'/become successful. You just haven't had your heart filled. In fact NEITHER of you are getting your heart filled. That's some serious, REALLY hard work and at the heart of DBing.
In fact, it's at the heart of my issues with some of the posters in the past. They want to deal with tricks to get a spouse back, make generalizations about what is attractive to someone, and not really deal with the hearts involved, the things that make love last.
You ask 'Where Does it Stop'....the truth is never. Even if you choose to end your marriage, to give up, you will still deal with her over the kids, the heartache will not stop, or the 'deadness'...the interactions and the desires don't stop. If you begin again with someone else, the same things come up. And new things. And you work through it, or think you have, and then come to this place again.
The light, and the dark of it is....working through it HERE and NOW. Because if you really do what really fills her heart and she really does what really fills your heart, you love strong, you believe in love, you lose the chance to feel jaded again. That's a good thing.
You're worth it. Your wife is worth it. Learning to love powerfully and put to the side the things that mean nothing, the things that are for self medication, the things that let her feel less respect and less motivated to give you what you need.
I understand that when we women talk about our needs we are not logical, even when we think we're being clear and letting you know exactly what you need to do we are all over the place and we connect everything we've ever had a feeling about, and then it becomes this big overwhelming thing that you can't possibly win.
But it doesn't play out that way. And when you do make strides, esp with the more important things, they will have more weight, and the smaller things will go away.
You may have already tried this, but if you explain that just being alone in the bed, just you and her makes you feel closer with her and more intimate, even when you aren't having sex, that you feel that you two having the closeness/intimacy will lead to greater love and affection between you and (framing it for her/selling it to her) give your children more security by having their parents be even closer and more in love.
Knowing the way to her heart is through the kids and parenting, it may help to talk to her/frame things through that lense. That isn't a trick. It really does help you see things more clearly from her perspective, and helps broaden her perspective, and lets her see your side a bit better.
I hope that is helpful. I care about you and I hope that you are able to build a relationships that makes you really happy.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
