Hope2011 I think the next entry will answer your concerns.
Date night again last night, we did dinner, and a movie. We both drank I had one she had too. She was in a good mood. We both liked the movie. Things were going well. Afterwards she asked if there was anything else we could do since she didn't want to go home. I proposed we drive around our little crappy town until something came up. She agreed, in the middle of the drive she once again expressed her frustration over her high desire, yet no desire for me. I told her I had high desire too, and was frustrated too. She once again responded that I was free to go look, and that I should feel lucky she wasn't out with someone else instead. This lead to the conversation as to why am I letting her, despite not wanting myself, and feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation. She expressed that she felt I was acting like a doormat (ouch). I started telling her that ultimately I don't want her too, but recognize that I can't make that choice for her, only she can. I am merely giving her a chance to discover what it is she wants. She then asks, what if I don't want to stay. (Here is where I think I am strong). I told her how it was her choice, not mine and that I had long ago accepted it. She then asked then why keep trying. I responded that it was the only way to be true to myself, but that regardless I know I can be happy. I just want for us to be happy together. That the changes weren't for her, they are for me. That I know that she finds me annoying, as do other people, and that I know that I need to change otherwise I will end up alone and isolated. We talked about my insecurities, and how it has led me to act the way I have. How I desperately want to change, for myself. If she finds that attractive then good, if not then too bad, but it will always be her choice. (One of my 180;s is that I know she feels I am too controlling, and manipulative.) She then started to describe how she felt, I noticed all the patterns of the WAW. 1. Trying to ignore the problem, 2. passively trying to change the problem, 3. angrily changing the problem, 4 not caring, and 5. then walking away. She was shocked when I took step 4 and 5 out of her mouth, and told her that I understood how she felt, and was trying to make amends for that. She then interrupted the R talk and said lets finish this later, and get some ice cream before they close. She's never been good at handling R talk, she usually finds a reason to get mad or completely avoids it. This one was brief but very friendly and we both got to express a lot of our feelings in a good way. We didn't ML or continue the R talk last night, instead I asked her for a massage which led to what must have been an hour long tickle war . It wasn't just a tickle war she grabbed tight onto me the whole time, and even jumped on top of me a few times. We haven't had so much physical contact in months, it was very nice. Rebuilding intimacy one step at a time right...
Hope2011 I know what I am doing seems in many ways spineless, ironically it is part of my 180. I was possessive, controlling, and manipulative. I realize that I did keep her in a "golden cage", and realize that the demands for the open marriage may just be an extreme reaction to me controlling her. My hope is to make her realize that, it will no longer be the case. In other words the open marriage is a symptom of her feeling caged. Much like many spouses seek OM or OW to rebel. By 180ing and rebuilding intimacy I hope those emotions will go away, hopefully before a PA or EA happens.
. It wasn't just a tickle war she grabbed tight onto me the whole time, and even jumped on top of me a few times. We haven't had so much physical contact in months, it was very nice. Rebuilding intimacy one step at a time right...
