just found out he has bening having an affair for the last 2 yrs and that they have continued through my 6 month old marriage. dont even know what to do my whole world has been blown apart and i have nowhere to turn or go. i know i'm not a strong person i can see what i need to do so why can't do it?? :0( i'm in hell right now :0(
I am so sorry to hear about your H's A. I am sure that was a devastating blow to you. However, you CAN get through this. I know what helps me during extremely difficult times is I make myself a list of very specific goals and tackle them one at a time. I don't start the next one until the first goal is complete. They don't even have to be life changing goals. Some days they are simple like "take a shower" because yes, some days I need encouragement to do even the smallest things.
The important thing you need to remember is that under no circumstance is this A your fault. At all.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
thank you delinquentgirl i ahve decided that i am not going to allow this girl to ruin our marriage which i know was her main goal but she is so not worth it.
I like to think that this was not my fault but the type of person i am i cant help but accept sme of the blame.
my H has told e this isnt my fault and explained his reasonings for this A but to be honest he doesnt really know why he allowed it to happen.
Using my H contac methods with this girl i have told her to stay away it appears she has got the message as she has not replied but at the moment i feel numb i have no emotion and just dont know what to do like i said i dont want to allow this girl to be the reason our marriage ends we have been through some rough times before so i know we CAN get passed this if i want to, but i think the question is do i want to??
So today i am in a state of confusion, confused as to what to do for the best,.
The last couple of days have not been easy but thanks to the techniques i have learned through db’ing i am coping with this situation more better, dont get me wrong i have backslided but i notice when i do it and 180 it.
I recently started going to the gym weekly and have changed my appearance which many have noticed, i was just starting to find myself when i find out about this A, but i’m still going gym and taking care of appearance i refuse to allow this A to break my spirit which is a huge 180 for me, usually i would be moping and crying for days, looking a total mess and not leave the house, whereas this time i type this at work with my ‘chic’ hairstyle (as described by colleagues today) they don’t even know nor have noticed that anything is different with me.
Its not that i can’t forgive him or try and resolve this situation which my H is adamant that he wants its that i am scared of trying and it all being for nothing.
Now i know many of you who may have read my situ are thinking why do you stay with him, the think is i know my H and when he gets stressed or something major happens like the wedding being a disaster or a close family member dying i know it sounds ridiculous but he always has this need to escape and so will find solice with another woman.
Now i’m not conolling his actions and choices but in finding myself recently i have analysed us and realised it is a pattern with him, so when he tells me his heart belongs to him i believe him, in reading the transcripts of this recent A i can see this girl was trying hard to be with him she actually begged him but he would not leave me so she was hanging in there hoping that when i find out was been going on i’ll leave him and he’ll be so lonely that he will turn to her.
I’ve also realised that i moan and b**ch a heck of alot and before i started finding myself again recently my excuse was you (directed at H) should be making me happy so i b**ch and moaned when he didnt ut recently i have realised that only i can make myself happy, and that my H is in such turmoil with himself he isnt even in a position to make himself happy let alone anyone else.
So in seeing that this situ does not appear to be the end of our M i feel like i need to help him make himself happy and let go of the guilt he has held onto and built up over the years, the best way i am thinking of doing this it to be the rock for our family (whereas he liked to think he was the head of our family) to do complete 180’s by showing him more affection which i admit i don’t do but expect him to do for me and going dim which lately helped me to find myself and he actually said he missed not seeing me as i would makesure i was asleep before he got home night after night but i am a bit worried about doing this as i now know this was the time he spent being online with her but i also dont want to wait up for him to come home
When i found out about the A a few days ago i took off my rings and threw them across theroom behind the tv unit, i also took off my H and threw it. In hindsight i now realise that i only did this for dramatic effect as i wanted him to realise how hurt and angry i was but i now realise he probably knows how hurt and angry i am.
This morning i happened to come across all of the rings which my H had obviously fished out from behind the tv unit (tis not a pretty sight behind there) and put them up, I texted him saying: “i see you found the rings then” He replied: “what do you mean” I replied: “did you not find the rings?” He didn’t reply so an hour later i texted “so i’ll take it that you did find them then”
I realise now i shouldnt have gone there and that i was playing my usual game of trying to catch him in a lie which in turn better justyfies my reasonings and actions.
Have been reading db forums all morning so i have just text my H saying “I love you. I can and in time will forgive you. I do not want to divorce but i absolutely and positively cannot continue with you for another moment unitl i am conviced you HAVE changed”
After having no response which i now realise i was fishing for i re read what i had wrote and realised it sounded very harsh which was not what i was trying to convey so i text;
“Sorry just reread what i sent didnt put it right what i meant is i cannot continue for another moment the way we were. The silent treatments don’t help and i would prefer if you have nothing to say to say i have nothing to say then say nothing at all”
Again just realised i am being needy, oh heavan help me i just don’t know what to do for the best, so now i have turned off my phone to stop me texting and am posting to db instead and in typing this i have just remembered that he bought a new phone yesterday but left the charger in the shop so it is possible that he phone is dead and hasnt got any of my messages so now i will come across as very needy. Just great!!
my emotions are so up and down when all i want is for him to hold me...i know i shouldnt be thinking like this....pma, pma, gal
I know where you are right now. I know the feeling.
Your first step, more important than anything else right now is just getting to a better place.
One of the very important things about DB'ing is doing so with a clear head. You need to think about WHY you are doing something. Do you have expectations? Etc...
You did the right thing by turning your phone off.
Next is regaining your focus. Don't worry about the text you already sent. They're in the past.
Start thinking about the future.
Start thinking about you.
Like I said, I know exactly where you are right now. I know how hard it is. But things will get better. Not fast. Maybe not great anytime soon. But things will get better.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
thank you country_song it is encouraging just to know someone is out there who cares enough to offer encouragement, as riight now i feel so alone, i havent told anyone and trying to stay upbeat is hard, i haven't been able to smile in days and colleague even told me the funniest story i have heard in years about her dog catching her off guard and pulling her through the wet grass at high speed like something you would see in a sitcom :0) but still as funny as i found it i cannot smile or laugh.
you're right i need to find a happy place somewhere to escape too and breathe as at the moment i am just exsisting
sat in the kiddie park at 7:30 this morning it was freezing but just couldnt go home (i was at the gym at 6) so listened to music on the swings
jjust feel so overwhelmed but i'm tring to stay upbeat :0)
