I'm in a situation which is very like many others, but strangely not.
The "very like many others" is that after a very stressful three years in an 18-year marriage (I'm 40, she's 41) (both of us were in doctoral programs and me with a fixed three years to complete), W went back to the states for a trip right before we moved back (we were living overseas)... we were having some marital difficulties but with the pressure of the programs we left things unaddressed too long (much kicking myself for this, but it was hard to see through the crushing pressure and the fact that on the days we weren't having trouble we were having TONS OF FUN going back to college in our 40s!).
During her trip, we exchanged some actually really good, deep, communicative emails, and she said some lovely things (that she would love me forever, that she appreciated the things I was saying and looked forward to discussing things in person "with a smile on her face")...
...two weeks later when she came back to help with the move, she wouldn't kiss me. After we got back to the states, she said that she just felt "done with the relationship. Just... done." We tried a counselor, but it was a poor match and did more harm than good. She said she was ready to pack the car and serve me with papers but in our last counseling session we decided she would go to her sister's for Christmas and a month or so of a dissertation-writing retreat.
Well, I did a great job of changing behaviours in the month I had alone, and she came back and decided to stay. After a few months of peaceful, even reasonably happy cohabiting (with her in the guest room), she said "this is comfortable and livable, but it's not enough. I need a REASON to stay." No affection other than the occasional hug.
So we started seeing another counselor, who is a much better fit. But... there's just not much progress.
And this is what is strange to me comparing this to other WAW/MLC stories: she is not "acting out"; aside from some mildly threatening talk ("By the way, I haven't had an affair, although I admit I was tempted" and such--which I believe, mostly because she's lousy at lying), there doesn't seem to be an OM. We get along--even very well at times, cooking and working on projects together, watching and laughing at the same movies, etc, like good friends.
But by the same token, there's no progress... she's not working on her dissertation, she won't look for a job ("even though I know it would help") because she doesn't feel like she should commit when her "gut is telling her to go." She says she has fun with me, "but it's the sort of fun and conversation [she] could have with any friend, and if marriage is just like friendship but with fewer options, why do it?" She claims that if she leaves she will never be married again because it's "so limiting."
She just feels... "done." And her individual therapist has implied that "once you feel done, it'll never change."
Now, I don't believe that. And I'm TOTALLY baffled that she got to "done" right after some great conversations (her take: "I guess I was just away from you long enough to realize I like myself more when I'm not with you.") She admits that I've made drastic changes ("I can really stand to be around you now.")...
...but still says "you haven't given me a reason to stay", and realizes that the situation is painful for me and wants to leave because she "feels like an [censored] for leading [me] on when [she doesn't] really believe it will change."
Nothing I put forth works; logical reasons (economic benefits of marriage, etc) are no good because this is an emotional problem (she will say "money doesn't matter", for example). But emotional reasons fall flat because she doesn't feel them RIGHT NOW ("If I could believe we would have an emotional connection again, that might be a reason."). So it's a neat trap I can't win.
So the situation is really surreal; one day she will be telling me how she wants to "go, go, go" and feels trapped; the next she will be planning what upholstery would go with the furniture and what renovations to make around the house.
So... this is just the damnedest thing. Our therapist has suggested an extended separation, but after discussing it for a few days neither one of us is convinced that would really help (I'm even open to it depending on how it's executed).
But every conversation eventually comes back to her "just feeling... done" and believing that she can't come back from it. She has a history of depression but assures me that her therapist says she's not depressed now. She "misses an emotional connection" with me but can't figure out how to get it back. She "wants to feel a reason to stay" but just doesn't.
So it's really confusing! I'm not sure which bits of DR are appropriate; I want to detach to reduce my pain, but I want to stay engaged to try and build an emotional connection. I can't tell if a separation would be good to give her a chance to know herself, or really bad because she'd move into a communal apartment with some friends, have a party time, and not want to return (particularly if she finds a job). I want to keep her here so we can work on this, but if she "feels trapped" then keeping her here may just build resentment.
Dang, it's confusing! I cry a LOT (an embarassing amount; basically to/from work almost every day since that's my only private time), and try to hide that from her because she finds it very distressing. She says she wants to feel attractive and sexy, but then seems disturbed when I try to compliment her. And it's hard to say her attitude is combative... just fatalistic ("I think we've had an amazing marriage, but maybe it's just time to move on"... "You are an amazing person; I would write a recommendation letter for you to any other woman in the world.")
Got no idea, man. We've been working on this for about six months now and while she can stand to be around me now... there's no warmth, no romance, and any attempts fall pretty flat. I feel like time is running out, and it's shredding me emotionally seeing her every day and having her just out of reach.
Any suggestions from anyone? This is really surreal. How do you get someone back from "done"?
