Cautiously optimistic

[~¤DG¤~]

Brooklyn,

Where were you 2 months ago, LOL. I am so thankful Mach directed you towards me. You have been most helpful.

I do love my mother, I do. And I have respect for her also. I just don't want to be like her. She also had a hard family life, her mother was an alcoholic. The majority of my aunts and uncles are alcoholics. We don't have family reunions because someone usually ends up in jail.

She has her routines and to this day I know them. I know never to go to her house on a Saturday because that is the day she cleans her house and nothing, I mean nothing stops that from happening. Saturdays at the beach? Nope. Not my Mom. I am 34 years old and even I know to not be at her house when she gets home from work because she's always in a bad mood. Always.

I'll admit, I picked up a lot of her negative habits. My house had to be spotless or else I would freak out. I'd come through the door and start yelling at everyone to pick up their stuff and keep the place clean. If my H forgot to do something, oh boy would I give him h*ll.
Everything I didn't want to be, I became.

But I know I'm not that person anymore.

My kids are with their Dad 50% of the time so I have them every other week. The first week they were home after H left I was so grateful to have someone to come home to. I didn't care that they threw their backpacks on the floor and ate an entire bag of chips. I was grateful that they were there, waiting for me. I almost cried walking through the door.

Those are the things about me that I know have changed for the better.
I used to walk around, so angry inside. Angry at what? Myself mostly. I wasn't happy with me, my life, and my H became my emotional punching bag.
I don't want anyone to be my punching bag.
I don't want my kids sitting on a therapists' couch in 10 years complaining about what an awful mother I was. That is one of my biggest fears, and I'm changing that.

I bet I haven't yelled at my kids for almost 2 months. As a matter of fact, I know I haven't. My oldest son even made a comment about how I don't yell anymore.

It takes too much energy to be p*ssed off all the time.

So anyway, thank you for your imput. It helps me more than you know.