Sweetie, good for you for going to a therapist and going on meds. I was on two, also.
My mother was the same. Called me horrible names. Never knew which mother I was going to get. I know for most of my life, whether I had a good day depended on what kind of day she was having. I remember praying every morning that today was going to be only a two drink day. Not a very good start to our life, was it?
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldnt measure up. She always, always found fault. I was too much like my father's family. They looked down on her because she came from a poor background and was uneducated. I tried so hard to make her like me. Got straight A's, was quiet, never did anything wrong. It didnt matter. I didnt realize then everything I did was just making her feel badly about herself. I was a little girl, of course I didnt realize it. And it was her stuff, not mine.
So, I worked really hard to forgive her. For me. It was an important thing to do.
And you know what? I know she loved me. I do. When she was in the hospital, dying, it was me she wanted there, even more than my sister, to whom she was so close.
DG, your mother has an illness. She probably had a difficult family life. She has her own insecurities and an inability to deal with them.
If you try to look at it that way, it helps.
Do what is best for you in terms of your interactions with her right now. If it is best to pull back, then do it.
Try to see yourself through your children's eyes. See yourself as others see you. Realize that you are a good person.
This all takes time and hard work. But, when you get to where you need to be, it is all worth it.
Put your marriage safely in a box and store it away right now. Your h is on his own journey. Let him take it. You take yours.
You will be glad you did. You have a wonderful opportunity right now. A chance to figure out who you are and who you want to be.
