Jon, I hope you are doing well. I like the others don't know what will happen with your sitch, but I pray for everyone on this board.
I pray that they will be at peace and reconcile. I think your W is very confused. When family is involved it really stinks for us LBS. I never said a word to my family about anything, I have even made excuses for H's behavior and so on. Do they keep telling me to move on? YES, they do, but I'm doing in what I believe in, and hoping that God answers my prayers.
I believe your W's family has been pushing her but I give her credit for not doing anything (as far as you know) yet. My H went right away and did what they told him to do. He told his family lies about me, so he could look like the victim and now no wonder they are pushing him to finalize the D.
You acted so wise, by staying calm when she brought up the D. You probably have her thinking why isn't he freaking out....good job. You know my story, I think I made the biggest mistake by contacting H when I got the copy of the letter from my lawyer that H's lawyer wrote saying H is anxious in resolving the open D matter. I didn't beg or anything, but I did cry.
Made some settlement proposals at the bottom and we were suppose to meet today (me and my lawyer), but he had to cancel until tomorrow. H doesn't even have a clue to all of the bills that are in both of our names and so on......he mentioned a home improvement loan and the sale of the house and that was it. I was like what home improvement loan? We never had one of those, he mentioned that once before to his lawyer so I don't know if he has no clue, or it is just another one of his lies.
UGH......this is rough. Hang in there buddy. I give you so much credit, because most guys at your age would have said the heck with this and would have filed for a D themselves.
My impression from reading your thread over a long period is that she wants above all for you to be stable, independent, and able to support her in all kinds of ways (emotionally, financially, physically, and so on). Is that how you see it too?
Originally Posted By: River
But by being upbeat, stable, and caring for yourself in different ways, you take pressure off her (the fear that she might have to look after you in the same way she's had to look after other family members in the past), and you allow her to grow and find herself.
Yes, that sums it up. Thanks again man. That's what I'm working on, and it's a tough balance. Financially, she brought up that I don't own a house and my truck is "almost shot". It would be really dumb for me to buy a house right now, and the vehicle thing I'm working on.
What I'm realizing is that nothing I could have done would meet her expectations. I told her I was in the process of buying a house when this dang recession got me laid off in 2009, and it's been a struggle since then. So it has to be for me, not her.
Saturday I was heading somewhere when my motorcycle died. First I called AAA but they couldn't find a tow company that does cycles, and said I didn't have coverage anyway. I realized that I was close to the dealership, about 3 miles, and pushed it halfway there but realized I wouldn't make it before closing. I found a well-lit parking lot by a Wal-mart, with security cameras, and parked it there. The next day, it was gone.
Car trouble is so tough being alone. I should have called a friend for help, but one was out of town and I felt like I've asked the others so much already. I thought I could handle it myself, and made a bad decision. I've dealt with the police and insurance, and should come out OK. A guy had actually made an offer on my truck already, even if I can't get it fully fixed. And I'll have a rental car for a while to figure things out. Just stressful to add car search to the list of everything I've got going.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I haven't told W about the Harley yet, wanted to get calmed down and things under control first.
She texted me Sunday night "I decided not to go to New York". I called her and we had a nice talk. She had a huge fight with SIL and said she couldn't be around her. I wonder if it had anything to do with me, but didn't pry. I just listened. SIL is in town, and they're supposed to road trip back to NY together. W was even considering moving there. So this is a big deal. At the end of the convo, she said "I haven't been by the lawyer again, hopefully next week". I told her I was very glad to get the AAA card instead of D papers. She said "I thought you would be".
I talked to her last night and she said SIL was coming over and they were going to try and make up. I told her I was glad for that. Positives I think. I just need to keep getting my crap under control and learn to live on my own. It's so easy to wallow in self pity or anger when I have to do things like laundry or shopping that she's so great at. Like you mentioned River, that's exactly the kind of relationship she does NOT want to get back into.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Jon - it seems like (understandably) there are a lot of emotions swirling round in these two posts. You point that out yourself ("I just need to keep getting my crap under control ... it's so easy to wallow in self pity or anger"). It's good that you can vent here. It's also a different voice from the assured, confident tone with which you responded to your W's filing announcement. If that emotional difference is strong for me as a reader; it must very strong for W.
I mention this because I wonder how it affects W's responses to things that happen to you. Those response may not be about challenges but about your responses. After all, she didn't fall in love with you because you were phenomenally successful or wealthy, and your posts about her often indicate that she's kind-hearted but insecure.
So maybe the central issue is not what situations befall you (downturn of markets, theft of bike and so on), but rather how she perceives you to respond to them. Her question may not be, "is this a man who is always successful and who only experiences good luck?" But rather, "is this a man who can handle whatever fate deals him (and can therefore look after me)?".
Perhaps you sense the importance of that distinction when you say "I haven't told W about the Harley yet, wanted to get calmed down and things under control first."
I wonder if you could open that out more by saying what you think the difference in her responses would be if you said:
i. "W! Things are so bad! My bike's been stolen, my luck is terrible! I don't know what to do!"
Or
ii. "W - don't worry as it's now sorted out (i.e. insurance, police), but last week my bike was stolen, but I dealt with it all positively and calmly."
The second situation sounds more like the capable and confident way in which you've dealt with her filing announcement. What do you think? River
I think you're right River. This is very good perspective.
W called, she made up with SIL and is going to New York tomorrow morning. She also went and made my Christmas present to her, which was a couple products from "Bath Junkie", a cool store where you pick the scents and colors. W loves it. She mentioned several times having me in mind when she picked the scent for the massage lotion. It was a very nice talk, we'll see if I hear from her much over the next 3 weeks. More positives.
I'm struggling with anxiety over taxes, trying to get them done with everything else going on. And I had forgotten that we also owe Louisiana taxes because of her gas well, dwindling though it is. I haven't seen any of that money since separation, so I don't think I should pay the taxes on it. Something to talk over with my C on Friday.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
So, I finally got started on taxes yesterday. Texted W and let her know. She's well along on her road trip, I hope it goes well and the time with SIL is good.
I've been thinking about some of the things W told me when she opened up to me on that Friday. She feels like FIL is so disappointed with her because she can't work. That's such a high ideal to him, part of being a human being. Man, that's tough. She also mentioned not wanting to stay in Port Arthur, but not really having anywhere to go. She could move to Houston to be near FIL and BIL, but doesn't really want to do that. SIL is in New York. Overall, she expressed being scare of not having anyone to help out financially, or if she had a flat tire.
Interestingly, she said "it would be great to be back in Dallas, be near my doctor." Then she caught herself and said "I don't think it would be good for us to live in the same city after we're divorced". I almost said "yeah, there's no way we could stay apart". Probably should have.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I just didn't say anything. I was just listening. I had already made it clear that though it would take a lot of work, I still think we should stay together.
Great meeting with my C today. He says W is, with finality, choosing her family over me. And when the D is final, no more phone calls, no more visits. That the wife thought D would be freedom, but she could still have benefits when needed. He's seen things turn around at that point if the husband draws the line and says "you made your choice". Several cases actually. MAN that would be hard. REALLY hope I don't have to do that. I would pray about it a lot first.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Jon, I hear it slightly differently from your C - perhaps because different things get communicated in your meetings from what you post here.
I can't really see in your posts the point at which W is 'with finality , choosing her family over me'. I say this because she holds up various options: being with SIL (but fights with her), being near BIL and FIL (but doesn't really want to do that), and then suggests that being near her doctor (i.e. near you) might be best. I'm interested in how others - Michelle, Goodfight - hear this?
I'm more in tune with what your C says about how W might be imagining D - i.e. that 'D would be freedom, but she could still have benefits when needed'. As we see, she's still reaching out to your for different kinds of help. And maybe C is right, and when she puts the Dallas idea out there, maybe she's testing your reactions (testing to see: would you still be nice and helpful and close to her - like a family member but without all the problems of her family members - if she went through with D?).
You have expressed to her how you don't want to D. But have you also expressed to her what would be the consequences if she did? (I'm obviously thinking along 'Tough Love' lines now - following your C's suggestion that it would be clearly drawing the line).
I'm interested to hear if you've done this (and how she responded), how you think she would respond (if you haven't yet done it), and what those others who've been following your story think the effect on her might be.
