Keeping the Faith

[Sanderika]

Hi Ladies,

I have been thinking about you all and wanted to tell you so.

I hope you and your families are getting along fine.

I have come here everyday and read your posts and have decided that I have nothing to add right now that can be considered useful.

I have not had anything remotely hopeful happen here.

I have had no real contact with H in two weeks. Son, on the other hand, spent the entire last two weekends with his father. Something of great interest to me is that while son was with H at our shop during both weekends OW was there too on the Sundays. Son has never met OW. I find it of huge interest that now H is putting them in the same proximity to one another. I can tell you all that it does not sit well with me, I am not going to raise a stink though, it is now out of my control. Due to their activities, we did have minimal contact. I will not contact him at all and will not bring up making another counseling appointment.

I have decided that I need to let go of H completely as he is unable to forgive me for my depression which happened over 7 years ago now. He is holding a grudge and blames me for everything that happened. He is unwilling to try and seems more like this is revenge against me. I have had enough. I do not deserve such hateful, hurtful treatment.

I am going to stop working at reconciling the marriage. It now seems such a moot point. I am not going to call it back into court just yet. I need to heal from the words spoken to me at the counseling session, I am quite tearful and fragile and I need to regain some strength to move on. I am doing just ok with working on me, I have not really had a good day in two weeks now. I am not really able to see past the hurtful words for some reason.

My H is not the person I knew or even close to the one I thought could still resurface. He is someone I now feel very sorry for. I wish he could see the forest through the trees. He needs to do the work on himself to be worthy once again, unfortunately he isn't willing and it's because he does not accept any responsibility. He wants to stay stuck blaming me. He can keep right on keeping on...I will not be his punching bag any longer.

It seems strange to say but I am beginning to
think ALL men as shallow, selfish, greedy and needy. I don't have the desire for such nonsense nor another relationship. I put an immeasurable amount of work into saving this one and I have nothing left to give. I am going to save what's left of my heart for my son and myself and my friends.

I am looking for something that I can believe in once again. With time I will find a good fit for me. I have decided to lay my entire life at God's feet and simply....Let Go and Let God.

I wish every one of you the best from my heart with warm (((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika