I have a huge amount of anxiety today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because H is still gone and he's staying the weekend in Cali? I don't know. I just have overwhelming anxiety about him being out there with potential OW. I don't know why today is so different though. It's not like he's more there today than he was any other day of this week.
I hate that there is any potential inkling of an A. This would be much less difficult if there wasn't. That is the hardest part honestly. Harder than him saying he wants a D. Harder than him basically ignoring our child. Harder than him being absent. It's if there's an A.
I think it's just because of my personal history with my dad doing that. He told me he purposefully had an A in order to have a fail proof way to end his M. And it just killed me. He said he tried to get the D to make me happier (admittedly I was a very depressed child). But how foolish men are. It's a hard day in a girl's life when she realizes her dad is nothing more than an ordinary man who makes very ordinary and stupid choices.
So the thought that my H would do something similar is so painful it's practically indescribable. In the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" the author actually claims that an A is probably the most traumatic thing that can happen to someone. While I don't know if that's true, it certainly has been the most painful thing to happen to me, and I don't even know if it's actually happened.
It's the peace of mind he's stolen from me. The trust he's broken. And wondering why he would do something so hurtful, especially knowing how badly I was hurt from my father's decision.
I'm just having a really hard day. My contract for my job was even renewed today, and I cannot for the life of me focus on that instead of the anxiety.
