Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Hey, Just finished taxes today! Sorry, it's been so long since I posted and unfortunately, I do not have good news to report. =( It's been a long and quite awful last few months - work and personally. Things just kept getting worse and worse with H, so i finally scheduled an appointment with a MC at the end of Feb, and said "let's go". Welll, he turned me down, so after a few weeks of me pulling away, we finally had a talk on March 30. I told him I could do this with him anymore. Of course, typically H, instead of fighting for me, he starts fighting against me and turned to violence. He's harrasssed, chased, stalked, and everything imagineable two last few weeks leaving me in complete hell and fear. Notable incidents include him chasing down me in my car and cutting me off and then getting out of his car and continuing to cuss and threaten me. I have never felt so scared in my life. He's continued to threaten my life and any future man that I might bring into it, saying, "well, I don't even care about my life (suicide), why would I care about someone else" and turning my words of "I don't see a future for us together" into, "Yes, I don't see a future for you OR I eiter.". Totally creepy. Basically, if he gets to the point where he is ready to commit suicide, it's going to be a murder-suicide. So last week, I got a lawyer, filed an emergency restraining order and the divorce papers. He was served on Friday night and after hiding out in fear all weekend at various relatives house's, we tried to return to some normalcy this week. It's awful living in complete fear of him and what he might do. He finally broke the restaining order today and texted me twice (about what I want for S [yes, he honestly thinks he can buy S out!!! What?!) and what I want out of the divorce. I imagine it's only going to escalate from here b/c I am not responding to him. It could be another scary weekend. The restraining order gave me full legal/physical custody of S and the courts refused any visitation to H until April 28th when our permanent restraining order hearing is. At that time we'll re-evaluate the custody and I/my lawyer are suggesting supervised visitation only. Basically though whatever terms we come to for custody on the restaining order will become our divorce custody order as the courts like to stick with that's already in place. I would love to have S away from H completely b/c he really is mentally unstable. It's not that i don't want S to see his dad, but not until H gets more help. Right now, he's dangerous to everybody including himself.

I just feel like I'm in a bad dream right now & it feels so surreal. I want nothing more than for my M to be over now and somehow get thru this alive! I'm just so scared right now. I feel so discouraged too b/c I have spent the last 2 1/2 years fighting for our M, just for it to turn into this. I still believe there was a reason that God led me down this path, but it's just impossible for me to see right now. I just wish I had better news to report. =/