He's not gone yet but says his feelings are gone

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

DH & I have been married for almost 15 yrs, together for 17. I'm 36, he's 38 and we have one son 3 1/2 yrs old.

I'll try to make this as succinct as possible: I have a history of depression, runs in the family, had abuse in my childhood. I thought I did a pretty good job of managing it until after my son was born. I had postpartum depression. When S was 6 mos. old H dropped the 1st bomb, ILYBNILWY. (3 yrs ago) I was already seeing a counselor for PPD and on anti-depressants, just starting to pull myself out of the pit. We to my C once together, he went to her separately once, he spent a few weeks thinking about it and decided to stay. Basically he felt that my depression was dragging us both down and he was unhappy, he'd tried everything to make me happy and nothing worked. At that time, I read this board and starting working on myself, being happy, not pushing, and eventually it worked. Once he made his decision to stay, he was happy & didn't feel the need to work on anything else. It was like since I was feeling better, he was better & everything was good. We were really happy for the first year or so, but we really got stuck in a rut this past year.(typical FT working parent stuff, illnesses, 3 year old etc.)

About a month ago, he said he felt he was at the same point again. He realizes now that he can't "fix me" but years of trying to and feeling rejected or not connected emotionally have "worn him down" (his words) and he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. By putting myself down, I've convinced him that I'm unattractive. (Again, his point of view). Once again, I'm back in counseling and really trying to work through my issues, but now he feels that he doesn't have enough "left in the tank". Although he's not 40, his dad had serious medical issues, and H is convinced that he will not live until he's 80 or 90 and wants to be happy. (MLC anyone?) I've bought the DB book but haven't read all of it yet.

He says the best case scenario would be for us to work it out, but he's not sure if he'll ultimately get the emotinally /physically close relationship that he wants. He said he's afraid it might be a day late & dollar short. Neither one of us can really afford to live alone right now and there's our son to consider. I don't think things are as bleak as he seems to think. There were lots of times I felt HE was the disconnected one.

So right now I'm just going through misery, waiting for him to make up his mind. I was doing a really good job of trying to stay positive, focus on taking care of me and not pushing. The past couple of days, though, it's been really tough. I couldn't stop crying, was physicially sick and just couldn't put myself together.

Deep down I really believe that he wants to stay, he's just scared. My only DB strategies seem to be to stay positive & work on myself and not push. We don't normally fight about anything, we get along great, we laugh, we just feel like roommates right now. He honestly wanted my opinion at one point and I rationally talked w/ him about how we can easily change this & get our connection back if he wants it. I try not to pursue or push, but he asked.

I just don't know what to do. We have a wonderful life together. I don't think there is an EA and definitely not a PA. We still live together, same bed, but no physical contact, really. He'll hug me if I'm upset (working through abuse issues, etc.) and tell me ILY on the phone and in the AM before he leaves for work. But that's it. I get a quick peck kiss in AMs before work because he drives a lot & says he never knows what might happen & doesn't want to leave without doing that.

I know we have a lot of positives going for us, but the statement that it might be a day late & dollar short just guts me. I'm so scared that he's just DONE.

Has anyone been through a similar experience, or could give me some encouragement? I really need it right now. Thanks.