I feel that you and faith are on to something but I am unclear about some things that you have written. Please help me understand.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
She said she needed a break from you, and yet she called you.
You're not doing what she asked for.
And you're probably thinking:
"But she started it."
I wasn't thinking that, so now I'm thinking I'm obtuse.
What are you thinking I was thinking that she started?
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Yeah she did.
So what?
Live up to your word, but more importantly, live up to yourself.
That is what I'm aiming for and I'm starting to feel I am making living up to myself a lot more complicated than it needs to be.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
The promises and vows we make to ourselves when no one else is around, those are the hardest ones to keep, but those are the ones give us real integrity.
[quote]
I agree. Up until this point I have promised myself to love this one woman truly well and to never love another.
The question on the table seems to be is it time to let that go and actually be open to dating other people just like she is saying that she wants.
Like I said earlier, this cannot be any kind of ploy or strategy for me, it has to be for real.
[quote=Jack_Three_Beans]
Compromise yourself? That's just the first step in a long series of bad mistakes that compound like loan shark interest, and tough to get out from under.
Compromise myself.
Have I / Am I compromising myself by keeping my promises to a woman who is not keeping her promises to me.
Yes.
Uh oh.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I feel that you and faith are on to something but I am unclear about some things that you have written. Please help me understand.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
She said she needed a break from you, and yet she called you.
You're not doing what she asked for.
And you're probably thinking:
"But she started it."
What are you thinking I was thinking that she started?
That because she contacted you after telling you she needed space, it was 'Game on!' Pushing your own agenda.
Her email / text:
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode's wife
Michael,
I believe in order for me to be true to myself I need to be disconnected from you. Not forever just some time to really figure out what it us I need and want!! To be single not trying to start over with you again!
That means not meeting with you anytime soon even though that is real tempting as well you know how much I like to escape reality and be somewhere warmer and beach and fun!!
I want to be truly single go out with my friends maybe even on dates not that I'm ready for that right now but I want you too to date and see how things feel!
I still believe we aren't meant for each other are relationship took too much effort more than I think a relationship should take!
I'm gonna try to nap before I get the kids you can call me a little after 5 if you want I'll be driving to work.
I will always love you and care for you and you will always be one of my best friends!
Talk to you later maybe love your L----.
You responded, to some effect like: "OK." Not sure, but unless I am wrong you accepted her wants.
Bold items are the more or less, charming and not entirely "I accept what you said yesterday" comments. Despite her calling you first...you responded like you wanted to prove her wrong.
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
Excerpt from our chat this morning
M: How was your night?.
L: Really slow i am super tired started my period today bleeding heavily and was unable to sleep today when I tried i was thinking too much.
M: sorry to hear that.
L: yeah im use to it ill be fine .
M: you already are fine! very fine indeed! YOU started this flirting with her, as long as this text is verbatium, this is not disconnecting, kind of the opposite. And you know your wife so you have a good idea how this was going to play out. Remeber she just yesterday wrote:
Quote:
I believe in order for me to be true to myself I need to be disconnected from you. Not forever just some time to really figure out what it us I need and want!! To be single not trying to start over with you again!
So...the flirting, not living up to acceptance.
L: thx i wish i felt fine tonight.
M: I'm thinking of you like the finest wine maturing and become deeper and even more delicious with age.
L: That is true but these working nights are bad for me and my aging processes lol.
M: yes they are.
L: i'm thinking of taking a 30 minute break to nap .
M: sounds like a good idea.
L: yeah it sure does as i sit here and yawn one after another did you find a new truck or apt.
M: lol. don't make me think of your mouth opening.too sexy.
L:· hahahahahahahaha.
M: I've decided where I'm going to get an apartment which was a big decision, I'm in no hurry to get the truck but I'll definitely buy a Ford.
L:·where.
M: · <omitted>, for now. It's a small town a couple hours outside of <omitted>, nestled between mountains and a lake. Not forever. Just for now.hell I want to move in with you now.
L: sounds like you a good place for you that is
M: yes.
L: I am happy for you i hope we can find our true happiness
M: I've already found mine. you will find yours I'm sure. Did you really?
L: well i guess you are always finding things first thats ok i will find my truth i have faith.borderline-praise
M: I love you L----. How is she going to move on if you keep saying this?
L: i love you too michael xoxoxo.
... I snipped the rest
---------------------
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
My job is to patiently change all of those beliefs, because it is her beliefs that are driving her behavior.
You're job is to change them only for you, and not her.
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
So now I am listening and paying very close attention to her, which is what she always wanted.
Are you following through with what she wants. Hell I can listen to my wife tell me she wants me to pick up milk at the store 18 times a day, I can even pay very close attention to it, but if I don't pick up the milk, it doesn't really matter that I listened to her and paid attention to her.
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
And I am not forcing things anymore, which is also what she wanted.
No not directly, but sideways you are. See the bolded parts in your responses, you are pushing.
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
What's most important is the way I feel about myself while being committed to my path.
I agree.
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
Have I / Am I compromising myself by keeping my promises to a woman who is not keeping her promises to me.
Yes.
Uh oh.
EXACTLY.
Busting, just my take, man. That's all.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yeah. I knew the reality check was coming. Just didn't want to admit it to myself.
A moment ago I went into a long detailed explanation of how and why and what I was denying.
Big description of everything going on. I was really proud of my explanation. Like I nailed it and could finally move on.
And as I was about to post it, my computer shut down and erased everything I had written. All those perfect words were lost.
I had written about the power we have to create our fate. And once again fate stepped in a reminded me it ain't just up to me. I can no longer deny the influence and impact of other people in my life, nor the environments and circumstances I am in.
I can acknowledge them. I can accept them. I can even choose them. And in the acknowledging, the accepting, and the choosing, I come back to a place of power.
Again and again I am remembering my power. I am remembering that my actions are correlated to the way the circumstances are occurring to me. The circumstances are only occurring to me in language. And I have power over language.
What happened was L---- and I met. L---- and I got married. L---- and I got divorced.
Now we are divorced.
None of that has any meaning to me other than the meaning I choose to give it.
Whatever I do from this point forward has no meaning to me other than the meaning I choose to give it.
Whatever she does from this point forward has no meaning to me other than the meaning I choose to give it.
Knowing that, why would I choose meanings that keep me feeling bad? I would do that only if I believed I did not deserve to keep on feeling good.
Loving and caring for myself completely, I would not choose unhealthy thoughts, feelings or actions. I would only choose healthy thoughts and feelings. I would only choose the kinds of thoughts and feelings that lead to healthy actions and results.
My actions are correlated to the way the circumstances are occurring to me. Up until yesterday, the circumstances had been occurring to me as "something I cannot not fully accept."
But now I've realized for all the power that I have to work with words, it is crazy to deny or ignore the influence and impact of other people in my life. It is crazy to deny or ignore the environments and circumstances I am in.
My circumstances had been occurring to me as a loss. As a failure. As a death. As something beyond my control. As something I did wrong, as something wrong with me, as something wrong with her, as something not good enough about me, as validation of my shortcomings, as a source of fear and anger and resentment and frustration, as the shattering of my dreams, as more proof that women can't be trusted, as more proof that I'm not good enough, and as more proof that I am always right.
My circumstances were occurring to me as something I can't let go of. As something I can't get past. As something I must understand. As something I must figure out. As something I must fix. As something that isn't right.
But none of that is workable.
What I have now learned is that integrity gives access to workability.
So what would happen if the circumstances really were occurring to me as a catalyst for an extraordinary quality of life?
What if they were occurring to me as an opportunity to restore my integrity completely?
What would my actions look like then?
I am declaring I am declaring. I am my word. With my words I create my world.
My circumstances are now occurring to me as a catalyst for an extraordinary quality of life.
My circumstances are now occurring to me as an opportunity to restore my integrity completely.
I am now declaring the future's so bright I gotta wear shades.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
