From small beginnings come great things

[Mach1]

2.....


How long do you think it took her to make the decision to leave ?


How long did it take for your relationship to crumble ?


What did you expect to happen when you got there ?


Forget the pressure, forget the guilt, forget you forcing your control on this....

You are still trying to talk your way out of this situation that you acted your way into....

While your interactions where fantastic ( from a 'new you' perspective ), they were still forced interactions.

Let this trip rest for a while....

Let it sit on a shelf , and see what happens for a while...

Be busy elsewhere...

[Redo]

The convo about your mom. I swear that convo could easily could have been the one my wife would have with me.

good luck man.

[2stepboogie]

I think you missed your calling as a story teller.

One thing that does stand out to me, she continues to say "I'm not where you are". Probably because she isn't!

I know your D now, so there is no busting, you are now courting the women that you love. I think you did great, but now she has to let all this sink in for a bit. Hopefully she calls Jody, and hopefully she reads the book. Both could really help her.

Just remember how far ahead of her you are. Don't push too hard, she needs time to catch up.

This is great advice country and you are absolutely right. She is not. This is a point I have made over and over. They are not where we are because we have taken different roads. She has moved on her journey in a different direction because everything I have done has been in the hopes of saving my M and with her in mind. Along the way I started to look at myself more and more but the beginning of the journey is what makes the difference beacuse it is what determines in what direction we are heading. She has been working on detachment and moving on without me in her life. I started wanting to save my M and wanting both of us back together so that determines what we do along the way.

I had 2 goals in my trip.

1. Gauge her (how detached she was. If there was anything there)

2. Depending on my first goal get her to start to shift the direction she was traveling towards hope for us and to talk to Jody. I think I accomplished both.

Hope this makes sense.

2step,

Good to see you back...

Something in you is different in these last few weeks...

A change... a peace...

It is nice to see.

Keep being genuine and always try to be better...

It will be interesting to see what life brings your way...

Cat: Nice for you to notice. I am in different place than I was in say Feb or even March. I imagine in Jul I will be even better. Funny how that works, even when we fight it we heal. Hmmmmmm

2step

Man what a ride huh?

Understatement of the century. If this was a carnival ride i would ask for my money back.

I heard her saying "I am not where you are"

AND

That you expect her to be on YOUR timeline.

Is this more of the same from your M?

She is not where I am and I understand the comment of the timeline. It is a part of the old M and I recognize that part when she says it. Obviously I miss a lot of the convo sometimes when I post, it is hard to believe but I am a machine, what I do post is what I do remember but when she makes comments like that I realize that I am imposing my will on her.

What do you think she wants from you right now?

In one word?

Time.

I was working on the assumption or the timeline that I could stop the D. I did not. Therefore I have no time table any longer. I wanted to leave with the door open. I think I did that.

I have to agree with TG here. All is not lost.

She is willing to read the 5LL and do 3 sessions with Jody. She could have easily said, no thank you. I know she hasn't done either yet, but things are at least moving along in a positive direction.

You posted this about my W in one of my threads.

She is crying because she is hurting, you don't hurt for people you don't care about. How many tears did you shed for the dead in Japan?

As CS said, she has a lot of catching up to do. She is processing everything in the sitch and how things have played out thus far. Her life isn't a bed of roses now that the D is final and she still finds herself unhappy.

I feel like you are doing the right thing by moving on with your life as if XW is no longer part of it. This might be the time (on her time) that she realizes that 2step is the best option for her. That's my hope for you anyway. If not, you will still have a great life.

It's funny how our own words come back to bite us. LOL. She is not where I am. Will she get there? Who knows? I am moving forward. Goal one 1=stop the D result failed. Oh well. Nothing left to say at this point. The 3 sessions will hopefully put her on the path. If you take the road to nowhere you are sure to get there. I hope all I did was a leave a sign post for her.

2step, How can she not KNOW that you are the right option?

Now we have only seen the positive 2 step, the one that is kind,smart and patient.

I dont know what you were like before but although people are capable of change, I cant see that you were a total pr1ck in the marriage but I guess one never knows.

Like everybody is saying, I dont think you are too bad off. There is no OM and she questions her decision big time.

Just a matter of time 2 IMO.

Stay the course dude.

One thing. She KNOWS for sure you want her back obviously. Maybe stay away from talk about remarrying, even in jest the way you say it. I think she wants you to honor her decision to D because it was a huge decision. Let her have her D but start with a new R. One were marriage isnt in the equation.

Maybe you never Marry her again but you stay together outside the legal paperwork.

Just food for thought.
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9 Well I will share an email with you i ran across last night from my XW just don't show it to anyone OK?

P.S ( I don’t know why, and I will go through with it because it is for my family, but having to ask for medication because I make my family unhappy is completely and utterly humiliating to me, it makes me feel like a failure, and unneeded, I realize that apparently it is necessary but it doesn’t change the way that it makes me worthless.) you don’t have to respond I just had to tell someone.

OF course this is only part of the email but it is from July. The signs were there for me to see in time to save this thing. I did very little. I saw it from different glasses. The blinders have been lifted. Now is it too late. Only God knows.

[2stepboogie]

You are spending a lot of time telling her how much you love and want her. I would suggest easing up on this. It is doing nothing to convince her of her feelings for you. ie. she already knows, you don't need to keep reminding her. I feel it is too much pressure.

Spell: yes I agree that I put a certain level of pressure some I did without realizing it some i did on purpose to gauge. I realize i will not convince her of anything. I wanted to make sure she knew the D meant nothing to me. My normal reaction? I would of have cut all contact with her and I think she was surprised I did not. Now is time to live what I have spoken.

I suggest you focus more on being a strong and positive person in her presence, cut back on the R talk a little so you don't seem quite as needy. Don't get me wrong, a good percentage of your conversation is right on target, but you tend to drift back into sections of "I can convince her".

Being the strong and positive force has never been any issue for me. In none of this I assure I came across as weak or needy. It is hard to determine that by words on a computer screen. As far as no R talk I agree with you 100%. At this point there is no R to talk about so that should be easy. The part in bold is where my silver toungue gets me into trouble.

I would suggest not asking her to re-marry, not even as a joke. Let her come to that conclusion later if that is where things go.

Hey man you can't blame me for trying LOL

Asking for sex also. Now you probably think I am gonna 2x4 you for going there. No, I am not, at least not for wanting it, just the way you are going about it. Asking for sex is needy and desperate. Not at all attractive, and setting yourself up for rejection. I have resolved never to do this in my M, and it has improved things a lot. I suggest you take a more confident approach and just escalate when you are close and/or kissing. Tease her a bit and joke about it. Whatever you do, just don't ask her for it.

Desperate? He!! yeah but I promise it was done in jest and it was actually kind of funny for both of us. I do not miss your meaning on this though.

How long do you think it took her to make the decision to leave ?

For the train eye the signs were there for a long time. At least 2 years. Decision to leave? A month prior.

What did you expect to happen when you got there ?

Pretty much exactly what happened. I had my expectations set pretty low.

Let this trip rest for a while....

Let it sit on a shelf , and see what happens for a while...

Be busy elsewhere...

Really Mach there is nothing left to do. At this point it is all in her hands and her timetable. If/when she ever decides she is ready I will see where I am. I might still be in the game I might not. I am moving forward. I have zero choice in the matter.

I leave with my head high. I walked through he!! with gasoline shorts on sound familiar?

The convo about your mom. I swear that convo could easily could have been the one my wife would have with me.good luck man.

My mom is my mom and I am afraid she has gotten a bad rap throughout all this. Much more than she deserves. In the end it came down to my XW and me. That is it. It is easy to put the blame on someone else and use them as the scapegoat for our problems. Substitute my mom and put something else in it's place, does not change anything.

We each have to take stock in our break down and move forward accordingly.

[hope2011]

You've gotten great advice. Your is pretty blunt in how she feels. You've got a road map here saying go slower. Follow it.

[MichelleLT]

Man, you have come a long way!

I am back from training and promise I will be around more now!

You are not even close to being done 2step. Neither of you. D is just a piece of paper, and neither of you are particularly detached lol.

Very cool about her agreeing to talk to Jody. Very cool about her saying she'd read 5LL.

Now the hardest part...waiting to see how it all shakes out when you take the pressure back off.

[2stepboogie]

Michelle,

Soooooooooooooo glad you are back. I am backing off waaaay off. At this point there is nothing to save. Nothing to hold on to. The D has happened and my D was not busted sorry to report.

I am not waiting. I am moving along with my life. I still feel the loss and I still have the pain but I really believe there is nothing left for me to do at this point.

I am starting to imagine my life without her, something I have not been able to do before and while it is still very hard to do I have to think about it and begin to learn how to accept it.

Please tell your commander that you have other pressing issues to take care of and that you will not be available to future trips. It is not like LT have a whole lot do anyways.

[MichelleLT]

Well, you have tried and tried. So now it's time to try what feels like nothing.

Back off. Focus on yourself. Give both of you space to heal.

I am actually a CPT as of about 3 weeks ago. But still, the travel has been ridiculous. I blew through all 30 days of my military leave already and have to wait for July 1st for my leave to reset. So, if he tries to dump anymore on me, that'll be my answer, sorry I don't have any more leave until July 1st.

[2stepboogie]

WOW a CPT Congrats Michelle that is awesome.

Yeah I have tried and tried and I will do nothing going forward. I think it is the only way to proceed. I think what I did was drop the tools on her lap and walked away, now it is up to her to do the work.

I will tell you my biggest concern at this point is where I will be.

Say she calls me tomorrow or next month and want to try again.

Why?

Why would I? He!! I have come a long way and it has been some of the most painful days of my life. Still today I had a little bit of a setback at what point do I begin to built resentment and anger? I let her go with love. Now maybe it is time for her to let me go the same way. I feel like she is holding a carrot over me with this hope thing only difference is I am no longer taking the carrot. I am just simply walking away.

[ninelives]

Good for you 2step.

You know you are going to have some good days bad days. Once you set your mind on a decision, then it is time to focus on that.

I think the best advice I ever received was to put hope on a shelf that is tucked far away. If and only if she persues down the road, do you take that box down and then see if she is LUCKY enough for you to allow the hope out.

You have done all you can and you know it. The rest is up to time, and if you believe in fate or Karma, then let things play out.

Wishing nothing but the best for you man.

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