Cautiously optimistic

[OnMyWay]

Get a hobby. Take ballroom dance lessons. Go camping. Learn to scuba dive. Learn computer programing. Go to the gym. Spend the afternoon at a museum. Take a cooking class. Go on job interviews - even if you don't need a job. Go back to school. Learn to paint. Take up photography. Go horseback ridding. Take a class through your community center about auto mechanics. Go sailing. Take an exotic vacation. Plan an adventure. Start a business. Learn Kung Fu. Go to the library and read about something new. Whatever. Just do something different. Do it for you!

Sounds like you are getting out and that's great, but I bet you end up talking to your friends some about your sitch. I recommend you apply yourself to something new, something different. Find just a little bit of time on any topic of interest and use it as a diversion from you sitch. Something enjoyable. Something you. Once you get started, keep at it. Apply yourself more and begin expanding the amount of time you spend on it. In the beginning, it will simply be a needed distraction. As you progress, it will become more of a passion, which is where you wanna be. You'll spend less and less time worrying about H and more time GAL. Do it. It will be fun.

[~¤DG¤~]

OMW-

You are correct. I do go out with friends, and yes I do spend quite a bit of time talking about my sitch. It consumes me.
I do need to stop and GAL for myself.
I am going to try really hard to not contact him at all today, and if he contacts me, I am not going to respond. I need to take back some of the power I have given to him. I know this.

I guess I've been so afraid that if I ignore him then he'll think I am no longer interested in working on our M.
I have to do something different. What I am doing is not working. At all.

I need to find me again.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling again---

Today is a very hard day for me emotionally. Have not had any contact with H in 24 hours and it makes me so depressed. I sent him a text yedterday letting him know how my Dr's appt went because he asked me to tell him, and I got no response.

I hate that I'm not feeling well. I hate sitting at home. It gives me way too much time to think. I hate thinking.

Part of me feels like giving up. The in limbo is H*LL. I just can't take it anymore. It hurts and [censored] so much out of me.
I am waiting for him to decide he loves me and wants our M to work, and I'm just scared that I'll be waiting and he'll decide he doesn't want me anyway.

But then another part of me says I should give him time. That 2 1/2 months in the grand scheme of life is nothing. That so many times in our M I've thrown in the towel and used the D word like it was second language.
Ultimately if I give up, it makes me a quitter and I don't want to quit my M.

All I know, is I am tired of hurting. I'm tired of the pain.
I just want my family together again.
I know life isn't about what I want, it's about happens.

I'm scared to death. I just don't know how to cope.

[jbnati]

Hang in there, DG! It's hard to think clearly when you're not feeling well. Maybe instead of thinking so much about your M, you could think about your GAL. I think OMW has a point, if you're spending time with friends, it's a good thing, but you're probably talking about your sitch.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm trying to hang in there, I really am.

I want to break down and text him, but I won't.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling----

I made myself take a shower and get out of the house. I am currently at the library on their computer, if anything for the change in scenery. Being cooped up all week has not done anything productive for my spirit.

You know, I think I understand why some people commit suicide. (and before everyone jumps all over me for saying this, let me assure you that I am NOT suicidal.) I can emphathize with their pain and it being so great and feeling that death is the only option. However, the thoughts are irrational ones and I know it is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.
No, I am not even remotely thinking of anything along the lines of that, I'm just pointing out that I think I understand.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I have no idea who I am without my H. I know I need to figure that out, but I am scared. Terrified. That is what my problem is, the fear of the unknown. I don't know how my story is going to end and that scares me. I want a happy life with my H, and I hope I get that chance, but I get scared with each passing day that we are apart our chances of reconciling are slim to none. I know, I know, positive attitude! I don't have a positive attitude. I always assume the worst.
I am saying the same things over and over again. I realize this.

[OnMyWay]

Two things:

First, stop trying to convince yourself your marriage is over. Just stop. Go back to DR and learn to act "as if." If you think it is over, then it will be so. Acting as if everything will be ok may change the path you are on. Perhaps you need some positive affirmations. Try writing down your affirmation every morning 30 times something like "I'm love my wonderful marriage to my husband." You'd be surprised how it can help reprogram the way to think about things. Writing/reading something repeatedly will help embed it in your mind. It becomes part of you and your attitude then can't help but change.

Next, set some goals for yourself and GAL. Keep it simple. Perhaps one goal could be, "I'm going to go out and meet/talk to five new people every day" - anybody, like the checker at the grocery, a librarian - be social and learn about people you don't know. Perhaps a goal will be to build strength/endurance - like I can only run 1 mile, but I will run a little more every day until I can run a marathon. Whatever fits you, it doesn't really matter, but set goals yourself and then work towards them. Once you begin achieving these goals, you'll be surprised how much of your power you'll begin to regain.

Let us know how you make out.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you OMW. I am acting like my M is over.
I guess I just don't want to be disappointed.
I will work on it. I promise.

[OnMyWay]

Yup. I always liked the old saying, "You guaranteed to miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

Working on a M is hard. But, if you don't do it, you're guaranteed to fail. Attitude is everything.

[~¤DG¤~]

I want to work on our M-more than anything!

I don't think anyone understands how hard it is for me to think positive.
I have such low self esteem, I don't know how to feel worthy.