Ultimate Betrayal

[25yearsmlc]

Kee, I'm so sorry about your mother's passing. I'm a believer, so while I am glad for HER being at peace, I offer no platitude to ease the pain one feels at the loss of a mother. They're our biggest fans in the bleachers and it so hurts to lose them, so I'm really sorry about that. Time does help, as does prayer. But a mom is a mom and that's just a tough blow.

As for your h's unforgivable timing, what's to say? He showed some dark colors and for that, you may not be interested in a M to him. Not b/c you aren't forgiving, but b/c you are not interested in living with someone who does things like that. But forgiveness is freeing, as my signature block says.

It's part of getting happy, believe it or not.

Forgiveness isn't about condoning what someone does to us. It's not about saying 'hey it's fine, doesn't matter, etc". In fact the party being forgiven doesn't even have to know it. The important things I've learned here, are mostly about forgiveness. Forgiveness is about US, the "aggrieved party", letting go of pain that seeps into our souls and keeps us sad. It frees us to go on, from this day forward, knowing that God has a plan for us & right around the corner, the dawn will break and the darkness will fade. Forgiveness is part of hope.

If you'd asked me 4 years ago whether I'd still be m, I'd have given our m a 10% chance of staying together. But people can change if they truly want to. Ironically, the catalyst for change in my marriage was me letting go of my h and our future together. I finally came to peace with the idea of being single again and not having h around. He was physically gone a lot anyhow so that part wasn't hard, but we had 2 children still at home. They were deeply hurt.

Once i truly detached, I BEGAN the process (and it IS a process that isn't instant) of forgivness. I did that by turning my pain and the whole m, over to God. You can only worry/obsess so much before you make yourself crazy.

I tried hard not to take it right back the next day, but that happened a lot. I'd turn it over and then take it right back. Even if you are not a believer, you have to give yourself a break from constant worry. Nightly, I'd be in the shower or where the kids couldn't hear me, and I'd say out loud, "I turn this M over to you" and I meant it. It sounds gimmicky but if you say it out loud enough (i said it A LOT) it sinks in more. And when H would call me, it would always help for me to have done the forgiveness exercise before, as I like to call it. It helped me to stay calm and not be angry in front of h. That's huge. When they see anger, they flee or attack. It never helps to lose our tempers, as far as I can see. Being calm is NOT being a doormat. Forgiveness isn't doormat behavior either. It's for YOU.

Forgiveness allowed me to start detachment, and make plans for MY future with my children, and a R with the kids and their dad. H noticed that I wasn't pursuing him, or "working" on our m. I was moving on in my life. I was looking forward to my new life without h. I THINK H noticed. Seriously, he must have b/c I noticed h started calling home more, etc. His questions changed into more probing ones.

For us, a trigger was that I planned a trip with the kids around our anniversary (b/c I knew h would be gone and i did not want another anniversary alone). BUT At the last minute h said he had "a few days off" and wanted to hang with me. Hello? We're off to Italy and h expected us to change our plans at the last minute to accomodate h, again. (Historically h dictated vacation plans all the time. We revolved around his work schedule b/c he's an MD) I said 'no thanks" b/c it was too late and off I and the kids went. We couldn't really afford it but I have to say that it was worth every penny. We were in a new place with NO reminders of H, just stimulating places I'd always wanted to see, doing things I always wanted to do and NOT waiting for h!!

Aside from showing the kids that we were still a family that could enjoy itself with or without a dad around, (when we were in the military we saw it happen all the time. Families CAN and Do survive without a parent physically always there...we could too) BUT ALSO, something was triggered in h.

H left us for a "JOB" (adventure, mid life crisis, etc) so he was at work at the "job of his dreams" which he chose over living with us, and we were having a blast in Europe. We were very hard to reach by phone too, let alone whenever HE felt like calling. No dice, sorry. At some level it hit h, that h was alone, had NO control over what we were doing or where we were, and we were fine without him. This is key. When you detach enough, and contrast your loving warm homelife with whatever it is that your h is finding, it'll move him. It's NOT why I did it. It wasn't a "tactic". It was my new reality.

So you have to contrast your world with his. NOT to get him back, but to move on in your life. It's a paradox, I know. You are moving on to move on. But it's also what you should do if you want him back. Detach, move on, do things you always wanted to do (esp some 180s) and forget about whatever he's up to. Take care of business (financially and divorce wise, make YOUR future, your priority) and GAL.

If he wakes up & becomes a new man, AND IF you're interested in the new him, that detachment is what it would take to make it happen. And if you are NOT interested in the new him OR if he doesn't wake up and change enough, you're still ahead - b/c you've moved on into your new fulfilling life, that much sooner. This isn't easy but it's also not complicated. It's simple. Hard, but simple.

**THE PLAN**

1) GAL--180s, things you always wanted to do, small trips or classes or workshops or joining a club, ETC

2) detach (have a mantra or song that keeps the focus on YOU and spend NO time obsessing about his activities/thoughts/feelings/ choices. You have NO control over him anyhow, and worrying/obsessing about h, takes your energy away from YOU living your life. Plus it always always looks like pursuit, b/c in a way, it is.

3) So Move forward, find peace within and re-discover what brings you joy. BE UPBEAT when you run into him. Being optimistic means You'll bring more to the table in your next R anyhow, and your life will improve with or without a man in your life. You are in charge of your happiness. Make sense?

Imagine your life were a novel. How's your book going? How does this chapter end? And the novel? And WHO IS WRITING YOUR BOOK? ARE YOU THE AUTHOR OF YOUR LIFE?? You should be. Don't let your h's indecision or idiotic /selfish choices affect your chapter/book's end. He cannot be allowed to write the ending to your book/life. Just let his character out of the book and keep writing it the way you want it to go. Don't let your life "happen". Author it.

Hope this metaphor works for you b/c it sure helped me. Turn your pain and the whole M over to God, don't take it back. You have enough on your plate b/c you are taking charge of your life now.

Good luck.

((HUGS))