Divorce As Catalyst For Excellence.

[Busting Mode]

Faith,

I like the sounds of your suggestion more than I like to admit. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to explore it.

I feel I already am moving on without her, but perhaps I am still holding too much hope.

There is no doubt she is not here with me even though she writes that she "will always be there for me." In my view, she is certainly not here for me. Perhaps that is something I might call her out on or explain that I'm not feeling.

To me, "truly moving on" as you suggest sounds like doing what she is telling me that she wants to do, as well as asking me to do. (And maybe even asking for my blessing or even permission to do herself?)

And that is to date, and yes, sleep with other people "to see how it feels." Perhaps that is what I need to address right now and really see if I'm okay with it.

My gut tells me I have to be willing to let her sleep with someone else and eventually find her way back to me. I have to be able to handle that for both of us.

Not because I don't deserve to have someone who is loyal. I do.
It is what I truly want.

But I also want to restore integrity in our relationship. But then again not at the price of vandalizing myself.

Hmmm.

Yeah. I think what I need right now is not another strategy or ploy or gamble.

What I need to know is that she wants to be with me for real over and above anybody else. And right now she simply doesn't, so that should be the end of it.

But I am believing I am still the one for her, that she will eventually come around, and I'm really not so attached to how she finds her way back to me because I know she was patient with me for years. Yes, it would certainly hurt seeing her with someone else...

In fact when I am really honest with myself I know that would REALLY hurt. But I think she has followed through on the divorce because in her mind being with another man is something she needs to explore and she cannot in good conscience do that while she is married.

Of course, she is denying the fact that breaking her promises to me also goes against her conscience...

Hmmm. Maybe that is something I need to be a stand for. Putting it that way maybe you are right.

On the other hand, what I really want is certainty within myself that I am truly loving myself and her.

Right now I am feeling that I am truly loving myself when I am working on my health and business, when I am enjoying myself with friends and family, when I am sharing and fully expressing myself and fully participating and being with people and living life in general, I feel like I am loving myself when I am dancing in the streets during the early morning hours listening to madonna singing ray of light on my iphone...I am loving myself anytime I am being happy with myself and these days that is pretty much all the time.

I feel like I am loving her when...

Aha. Here is something new.

I was going to say I feel like I am loving her when I am just letting her go and do whatever the hell she wants.

But now I'm thinking that is not really showing her all my love.

Showing her all my love would also be showing her all I see, and no I have not done that yet. I have shown her a lot of things with the intention to persuade and force her, but I have not shown her a lot of things that she feels can actually support her, or that demonstrate even more respect for myself.

Starting to get confused here so I feel there is still something here for me to learn. Something I am probably avoiding.

Now I'm starting to feel like I am working out my answer on that TV show "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

I think she still feels I have not given her a lot that she can actually hang her hat on, take to the bank, trust, use, etc.

I think she still feels it is too much effort to be with me and that relationships should not be so hard (See if she chokes on it, right Jack?) She knows I have been offering financial support that she continues to decline...

She knows I am here for her emotionally.

She knows I've offered her quality time and physical together which I knows she wants with someone but can't let herself go there with me...

Maybe that's the conversation we need to have again at a deeper level. We've talked about it before, but then I was coming from a place of need rather than of strength.

I think I will have to think about all of this some more and see how it really feels.

Thank you, again, Faith.

I am hearing you and taking it all in to see what it reveals.

Don't like that now I am confused again, but if I can be confused than I am not yet completely clear.