Tonight, WAW came over to spend the evening with D & me. She was slightly grumpy. I called her on it and she gave me the old "I'm just really tired" speech. She has an exam tomorrow and hasn't studied yet. Apparently she hasn't changed at all - still the same old habits. Probably my fault some how.
Tonight, before she left, she lingered, as she's been doing quite a bit lately. I noticed this last night and asked her about it, but got the brush off. Tonight, I pressed harder with, "What's going on with you? You are acting weird." After the obligatory "I'm just really tired," I got an "It's not fun to leave my family" just before she walked out the door.
I simply replied, "Well, we're still here." She gave me a sad, "I'm not" and left.
I guess it's too bad for her. My D and I have been having great weekends together. W called me out on it tonight, as she's been watching our fb accounts where we post our fun times. Safe to say she's noticed. This weekend, D & I are traveling to So. Cal. to visit Sea World and have some spring break good times.
My DB Coach said it's a good thing when a W complains, because when she stops complaining, she truly doesn't care anymore. Tonight, all W did was complain. Complained about the new dishwasher I installed after she left. complained about my D's room being a mess. Complained about not having any money. Complained our D now drinks too much soda and that quality parenting has all gone to hell w/o her (although she admits I'm a great Dad, go figure). Complained that we seem to be having such irresponsible fun together.
So, I guess my question is, since I seem to have her attention, do I step it up further and move on without her? Or do I scale back some and see if she can catch up. What I'm really curious about will be her first counseling session at the end of this month. I'm figuring it will either be a new beginning or the beginning of the end. Any pearls of wisdom from more experienced DBers?
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
geeze, omw... I've only been hoping for that much direct complaining... my own current sitch is that W is lingering and (the minimal) conversation has been pleasant... some proximity friction, but not for mentioning here...
I've told my W that I'd rather hear her complain, because at least it's communication and contact (knowing full well that it is also connectedness, which is VERY important).
I do not have any experience in this condition, yet. Hopefully soon. But I'd be very, very careful to listen and validate at this point, from reading other advice. Keep her talking. If she hears your validation enough and begins to accept and believe that you are understanding her (without turning it around to bite you), she may start to be more open with you and start to share GOOD things, as well.
But... I'd be worried about the "I'm not" comment, as she walked out the door. That would be a flag to me indicating that she'd shut down again. I'd give her a moment (however long that takes her) to contact you again. Don't pursue. Let her digest and then come back to you. The frequency and speed of her next returns may be faster which might lead to more... better... :-)
Tonight, I pressed harder with, "What's going on with you? You are acting weird." After the obligatory "I'm just really tired," I got an "It's not fun to leave my family" just before she walked out the door.
I simply replied, "Well, we're still here." She gave me a sad, "I'm not" and left.
Getting her to keep talking is tough, as she has a natural tendency right now to not give me anything personal. Even the sex, which was always odd anyway, has become non-existant. She seems to be struggling with what she's done and yet doesn't know what to do (or doesn't want to) to make it right.
As per the "I'm not" comment, I'm not worried about it. As I've learned, nothing she says is the truth. I'm sure my comment hit too close to home and her knee jerk reaction was to push back. I've noticed she does this a lot. I just have to remember that WAWs are liars. As the saying around here goes, "Believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see."
At least she has stopped asking me for a D.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Interesting. After reviewing my old thread, my buddy ironMan summed it up perfectly:
Originally Posted By: ironMan
I'm sure you know by now that we find that the WAW's have a 1-2- punch. That is, they might give you some positive vibes (like questioning whether splitting is right) and then ... they usually pull back and act like crazy B's again. So, don't be surprised if you see this.
Interesting. After reviewing my old thread, my buddy ironMan summed it up perfectly:
Originally Posted By: ironMan
I'm sure you know by now that we find that the WAW's have a 1-2- punch. That is, they might give you some positive vibes (like questioning whether splitting is right) and then ... they usually pull back and act like crazy B's again. So, don't be surprised if you see this.
Glad to be described as a buddy ...... and yeah ... that keeps happening to me as well :-)
I think we're both in the same limbo right now, OMW .... I think you're doing the right thing. Move on with life. Think of her as an alcoholic .... can't form your life around a sick person like that. She will, or she won't catch up and figure things out. Only thing you can control is YOUR life.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
OMW - You are in midst of the angry WAW. Fun, huh? I do like what your DB coach said concerning the anger and complaining. These are actually good things. She obviously cares.
I am at a point in my sitch where our couples therapist has called my W out on her anger. My W told us that she didn't care anymore and was simply numb to it all. Therapist told my W that she had just explained how angry my change is making her right now. Therapist said that it can't be both.
Just keep doing what you are doing. I would careful with trying to get the last word in as she walks out. I can how that would produce the response you received. Whether she believes it or not, don't give her the opportunity to be more upset as she leaves. It will simply justify her emotions.
Happy to see that you are having such a good time with your D. Be the best father you can be and take care of yourself.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
So, this is kind of funny. This is happening regularly and it confuses me. I'm not sure what it means:
I've stated before WAW stays at the house with D on the nights when I work late. Past two times, W hesitated when she leaves. I ask her what's up, and she always says the same thing, "Feels like I've forgotten to tell you something, but I can remember what it is."
Tonight it happened again. She said she was leaving, so I got up and started my usual night time ritual and let her go, but she delayed at the door. Same response. I asked if it was important and she said "no," so I told her just to text me later if she wanted. But, I don't think she knows what it is. I'm sure she's not waiting for me to say something. I wouldn't fall into that trap anyway because it would be the wrong thing and she'd have the opportunity to engage me angrily. I just kind of blew it off.
I just think it's interestingly curious. She needs to tell me something, but has nothing to say. That's a funny itch to have, esp. when you can't scratch it.
She was pleasant tonight. I'm sure she is concerned about D & me our trip out of town this weekend. W always wanted to go to SeaWorld. Now D & I are going without her. Perhaps that's it. I'm sure it's weighing on her. WAW is certainly missing out on some memories she'll never have the opportunity to have again. Like I always say, "Be careful what you ask for, you might get it." Freedom from our M has an awful high price.
On one seriously positive note, D is joining a group at school for kids whose parents have D/S. D is actually excited about it (apparently many of her friends parents are going though this, too - perhaps there something in the water here?) as she will get to participate with other kids in her sitch. Anyway, she met with the school C yesterday. He asked about our sitch and whether she goes back and forth between us. She said, "No. Mom picks me up from school sometimes, but I live with my Dad."
Now, I believe my W is a great mom, even still after all we've gone through. But for some reason that simple statement makes me incredibly proud of the father I've become to my D. I'm doing it and loving every minute of it, regardless of what W does or doesn't do. Sometimes I think I don't want W back, because I'm not sure I want to share my parenting responsibilities with anyone else.
Life sure is great.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
After rereading this last post, I'm guessing this is what detachment feels like?
What's next, DBers?
NO. Detachment is when what she says, does, acts like... doesn't make you ask what it feels like. You just let her do what she wants to do and that includes her with your kid.
Detachment is when you are like..."Okay, you do what you want...feel what you want, I can't fix, control, or persuade what you feel". If your kid is in danger, that's a different story, but if she is a good mom...you let it go.
Detachment is almost NO matter what she does....you don't base YOUR life upon it. You move the opposite way.
