ok so I made the first post in order to vent, washed some dishes to calm down, but it has not helped much.

I'm just frustrated that she is reverting again.

Kaffe Diem

Not sure exactly what is going on, but I have tried going back to way back. We started in a very sexual relationship. It was almost all the relationship was, I found out that before she had dirtbag of a boyfriend. This guy waited till she was 18 then took her out, tried to take her virginity and when she refused he did it anyway. She stayed with him, until she found out that he cheated on her knocked up another girl. She had enough and left. She then had a couple of other relationships, but became open to having sex with many different people. I was to be just another one. (In truth there were only 2 or 3 other guys before me) Yet we kept seeing each other fell in love and got married. I noticed that before the wedding about a month before sex became less frequent. On our wedding night, I kept trying to initiate yet she refused. Saying she didn't want to be forced into sex. All I could think was "great so this is what it is like to be married". While sex did happen this whole "not being forced" became a theme, to this very day she hates it when I initiate. She claims that she still has a high libido, but went from saying that I suck at initiating, to then saying that she was just not interested in me. During the reconciliation process it has been "I'm not comfortable for you to initiate unless I am buzzed".

So after I have "realized" all this tonight. I am left wondering, does she have a hard time being sexual with those she cares about because of that bastard? Does non-emotional sex (and thus the open marriage) seem like something more she can accept, rather than risk getting hurt with me? Is this why she has never wanted to cuddle afterwards? sigh...

Did she sabotage tonight, just like the last two date nights because of this? She claims that all this open marriage stuff is to explore how she really feels. She has a High Libido, except when I get into the equation. Then she uses this to rationalize her WAW tendencies. I want sex but can;t with you, we can't be married. I also think her frustration is what makes her so irritable sometimes.....

Off my rocker? spot on? I hope this posts soon, cause I need some support for my own mental health.