Drove to her place. She got ready and decided to go out to eat. We drove around looking at different places and ended up at the restaurant I proposed. This was no accident
W: Very Clever
M: They have good steaks
W: Yeah I am sure.
M: So if I propose again you would say no?
W: LOL You might get a different answer than the first time.
M: I better not then lol
Dinner came out and we made some small pleasant talk. Told her about my weekend and she told me about hers. Then she began to cry
M: What's wrong?
W: It is just that seeing you is exhausting. You want me to say I want to try again or I want to go home and start fresh. I just don't feel like saying no anymore because it hurts. I am not where you are in this. I am not as sure. What if we go back to the same thing.
M: You say how can we make it. I say how can we not.
W: Yeah I know you are the optimist and I am the pesimist.
M: Look clearly you are upset. This was not my intention and I really don't want to talk about this anymore. I get tired of it also. Let's pay the check and I will take you home.
We walked out to the car and before we got to the car she said
W: Well let's go for a walk let's not leave yet
M: Ok
we walked around and found a park bench and sat down.
W: You know I am not happy I don't see how it could work. I thought love was enough I accepted you for who you were but you did not accept me for who I was
M: I accept you for who you are always have and always will. I am here for the woman not for the Marriage. I am here for who you are.
We spoke for a few minutes on the park bench but I really can't remember the convo to well. We had been invited to go for some drinks with some mutual friends we have. She told she did not feel like going. I drove her home I drove slowly we held hands then i put her head on my shoulder as we drove.
M: Never been happier to drive so slowly
She smiled but we drove the 20 minutes to her house this way.
We pulled up to the apartment and she asked if I wanted to come up. I said sure. We made small talk and i asked her if she wanted to watch the movie Tangled. She said yes
She turned the tv on and it had captions
W: sorry it has the captions but i don't know how to turn them off
M: Let me see the remote
I fixed it in like 2 seconds
W: How did you do that?
M: I guess you'll have to invite me back and i will tell you
W: LOL I figure it out
We sat on the couch and she threw her legs on top of mine. We watched the movie and somewhere along the way we ended up holding each other she laid across my chest and I rubbed her hair. She began to cry
M: What's wrong?
W: Why couldn't u just be nice? I just wanted you to be nice.
M: I am sorry W I never meant to hurt you. I would spend my life making it right. Somebody ask me if I was willing to walk through hell with a pair of gasoline shorts on. I said yes without hesitation. I am and in a way I feel like I have. I never meant to hurt you.
W: That is the part that scares me. I know you did not mean to but that makes it worse that you could be so mean with such little effort. I am not a mean person H. Sometimes you were just mean to me.
M: I know I was. I was mad. i was frustrated and I did not know what to do. I took out my frustration out on you, but not because i did not love you, but because I felt the safest with you. I felt the most secure with you and I lashed out at you. In doing so I hurt the person i trusted the most and I am sorry.
We went back to the movie and even laughed in a few moments. I laid on the couch she laid in my arms. I kissed her she kissed me then she pulled away but stayed in my arms.
We talked a little more about the movie. After the movie we talked some more.
W: What is on your mind.
M: I am thinking how I want to hold you and kiss you right now because I don't know that i will ever get another chance
W: And you say I am dramatic
M: I pulled her in
W: you always get what you want.
M: Well not always
W: No not always I guess
M: Marry Me
W: LOL No
M: I could stay and extra day and we can go down to the courthouse and reverse this whole thing
W: LOL Stop.
We sat back down and she was heavy into thought
M: What's on your mind?
W: I am scared H
M: Of what
She would not say
M: Would you like me to go first.
W: Yes
M: I am scared of losing you. I am scared of getting you back. I am scared if I do I will fail you again. I am scared of not having another chance. I am scared of what I have done to you, but most of all I am scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life the way i feel when I am with you.
W: I have a lot of those feelings also. Scared of how my life will turn out. If I am going to make it. if I've made the right decision. I am just scared.
M: We can make it if we want to.
W: I am not where you are at.
We talked a little more.
M: How about we jump in bed as a goodbye gift then
W: LOL no
M: It's been a long time
W: I dont think that is a good idea
M: Why not
W: Because I think it would open up too many wounds
M: For you or me lol
W: For both
M: Oh I am good don't worry about me
W: LOL ok then just for me.
We made some more small talk.
M: I leave tomorrow knowing three things. 1. I fought to the end with everything I have. 2. I will always love you. 3. I know to my dying day we could have made it.
W: I just don't know. I made a decision and I just can't go back on that. I just deal with my emotions and bottle them up inside. I don't cry unless you are here. Most people think I am just fine but I have guilt I have regret. I deal with those feeling a lot. I fought also. You read books about hope and self improvement and all that If I show you a book you promise not to get mad?
M: Sure
It was a book called when your R ends.
W: It talks about how when a R ends is like a death and all the feeling you go through but don't worry I only read the intro. I have not really read it.
M: Yeah i have seen this book.
I stood up pulled out $11 dollars from my pocket and put it on the table.
M: I need a pen a paper please
W: OK
M: Here is a name of a book I would like for you to read. Would you read it?
W: Yes
M: I checked with the local book store they have 6 copies it is 9.99 so I am even including the tax. Promise you will read it?
W: I promise.
M: The Book is called The 5 Love Languages. It is the book we read over the phone. Easy to read and you can prob read it in a few days.
W: Over the phone it is hard to really get the meaning of it
M: I asked you Thursday if you would talk to Jody. You said yes. Will you?
W: Yes
M: Remember I can only get the sessions in 3 so you have to agree for three.
W: OK. I can do that. I just don't want to give you false hope H. I dont want to leave you in limbo
M: I am leaving here and I am living my life. I would like for it to be with you but if it is not Jody will help you understand some of the things you are feeling. If you want you can do all three by yourself or you can do two and the third we can do together.
W: Ok. I will call her.
M: Ok when I get back to Jersey i will call you with all the info.
Talked a few more minutes and then hugged and kissed goodbye. My final words
M: You'll see me before you know it
W: thanks for the warning this time.
that is it. Tonight I am calling her to give her the info for Jody. If she calls great. If she does not then that's ok also. If she buys the book gret if she does not then I hope she uses the 11 bucks for lunch or gas.
