Yeah... it does sound like there's so much more here than meets the eye.
Let's back the truck up. And let's get rid of the gory details. Because it does not sound like she wants to have an EA or PA and it does not sound like she wants you to have and EA or PA, yet she says she wants an open marriage where either or both of you could have other partners.
It sounds like she feels trapped.
She may not now and may not ever have an EA or PA, bi or hetero... But she might just be looking to you to tell her it would be OK. Even though she would always have the option, perhaps she's panicked and thinking that she might... and it might be bi... and if that were to ever happen, would that be OK by you... and you could simply say yes, and move on... getting rid of that "issue", yet being very clear that even though you agree to it, you never would.
But... understand that she might use that against you. Saying that she doesn't trust you because you agreed to an open marriage.
I would say that if she won't go to counseling, you need to find the root of the problem. Have you asked her "why?" Maybe I missed that in your posts.
Ask some really good questions about this and listen closely. I'm sure the reason will be in her response. Just how obvious the answer is will depend.
